The Baseball Chick

According to a baseball rumor on TMZ, Johan Santana was accused of sexual battery that allegedly occurred on a Florida golf course.  However, the case never got noticed and went nowhere according to TMZ.

In the document, the accuser claims she and Santana were walking on the golf course when he “began to kiss her and pull up her top, unclasping her bra.” The report continues: “Johan began to pull at [the accuser's] skirt/ and attempt [sic] to place his hands into her underwear.” According to the document the alleged victim “told Johan no multiple times but Johan persisted.”  TMZ contacted Santana’s rep, who said, “Johan denied the charges and was never charged with anything.”

Santana and his accuser both agree they had sex on a golf course, that Santana’s sperm ended up on her thigh, and that she walked with him to meet his father and another friend playing tennis within thirty minutes.  But only Santana and his accuser know what really happened.  But he clearly the golf got to his head and he thought he was Tiger Woods out there.  Understandable.  But girl, can’t you wipe that semen off your thigh?!?!  Have some class.

BREAKING NEWS:  According to thedirty.com, which I find to have very reliable news, oftentimes before anyone else picks up on it, Elin Nordegren Woods tried to beat the living jesus out of her husband, Tiger Woods, because he knocked up one of his many mistresses!!!  Not only was is Tiger unbelievably indiscreet, but he also must have an allergy to latex.  And besides these chicks looking unbelievably whorish, they must also be too brain dead to take a stupid pill.

Well, I hope he has syphilis.

(Rachel Uchitel, Whore Deluxe)

Yes, the body is fairly bangin’, but let’s please take a gander at the cosmetic-surgery fiasco that is this “lady’s” face.  She even comes complete with the post-eye lift wonky eye, a la Paris Hilton!  I’m putting “lady” in quotes here simply because there is the distinct and not-too-subtle hint of drag queen in this “chick’s” face.  To anyone that thinks otherwise, I have some good news for you: you may be a dude that’s had sex with another dude and not known it.  More than once.

To be fair, the “chick” in question, Rachel Uchitel, is denying the affair, as well as the rumors of texting, etc.  But this is also the same chick that has recently been accused of having an affair with a married David Boreanaz (lead dude from Bones and Angel) while his wife was pregnant.  So either this chick is name-dropping something fierce in order to become famous not caring whose lives she ruins in the process or she is really into bangin’ married celebrities.  Neither scenario makes her anything more than an overpriced dolled-up prostitute.

Makes me yearn for the days when we took skanks like this, accused them of practicing witchcraft and then burned them alive (also known as “The Good Ol’ Days”).