Hey A-Rod! Forget Dallas Braden. You make $33 million a year and you are dating this broad??????
(Cameron Diaz, Looking Pretty Beat)
Note to self: If I ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror to find I look like I got into a hockey fight the night before, I’m not going to leave the house that day.
What a super-douche:
Jason Kendall’s estranged wife Chantel has filed divorce papers placing the Kansas City Royals catcher at the center of a new baseball drugs scandal involving Adderall. Now, RadarOnline.com has learned that according to Kendall’s sworn deposition, it’s not just him that is caught up in the furor surrounding the use of Adderall – Kendall also name checks LA Dodgers right fielder Brian Giles and Pittsburgh Pirates infielder Bobby Crosby. In the papers, Kendall disclosed that Brian Giles is someone that he has known since 1997 and when asked if Giles uses Adderall, Kendall said, “I believe so.” He didn’t know if Giles was currently taking it. Kendall was also asked if he knew if Bobby Crosby took Adderall and he said, “I don’t know,” before going on to admit that the two had discussed Adderall “more than one time.” Kendall testified that his dosage of Adderall was decreased when he wasn’t training and that he took from 30-60 milligrams since he first starting taking it in 2006. Kendall said he took 60 milligrams of Adderall during Spring 2009 and ending in October 2009 and that in November it was decreased to 45 milligrams. (Radar Online)
Maybe I just don’t have all the information, but why are Brian Giles’ and Bobby Crosby’s names even coming up in Jason Kendall’s divorce proceedings? So he gets accused of abusing Adderall, and this fucking knucklehead man-child immediately starts listing off any other ballplayer that used or uses it so that he’s not alone with the blame?!?! Well, Jason, I can’t imagine why any woman would want to divorce you, because you are clearly a classy, classy dude.
On a side note, I think I have a better chance of walking outside and seeing Camilo Villegas floating on a raft in my pool than you do of throwing out anyone trying to steal second…
(Steve Phillips and Brooke Hundley)
So, after my traumatic 2009 MLB Playoff experience, I flew to Switzerland and was placed in a medically induced coma. It was the best that I could do since I don’t think they have actually developed the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind technology. Alas, it didn’t help, because the minute I awoke I told the nurse, “I had the worst dream that some bald-headed overpaid fucktard named Matt Hollidaylet a routine fly ball hit him directly in the junk and we eventually got swept from the mlb playoffs.” The nurse then told me in broken English, “Oui mademoiselle, this man, how do you say…Matt Holliday… he did this dreaded thing… he is the biggest laughing stock in the all zee land. This man, he is as funny as zee great Jerry Lewis….”
Needless to say, I am now back home and am considering becoming a hermit. What exciting baseball news I did come home to was that Steve Phillips of ESPN was fired following his admission to an affair with a 22 year old staffer named Brooke Hundley. Phillips told the police in Wilton, Connecticut: “Over a three-week span, I had a total of three sexual encounters with her. Those were the only times I spent any time alone with her.” He said this after his wife, Marni, allegedly received telephone calls, texts and a graphic letter describing the affair.
At first I was confused and I thought he was banging an actress. I mean, she looks just like one of the actors from that new movie Where The Wild Things Are. But then my buddy corrected me, informing me that those were actually people in monster costumes.
What a slap in the face to his poor wife! Not only was he banging someone else, but he was banging that big ol’ tub of lard. For those of you not familiar with some Southern cooking, here is what lard looks like:
LARD!
See the resemblance?
However, I feel more badly for my buddy. He took one look at the picture of this “chick” and his penis immediately committed suicide. His wang just picked up a gun and blew it’s fucking head off. The doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it.
