The Baseball Chick

Jarrod Saltalamacchia is batting .343 in 18 games for Oklahoma City with five doubles, three homers, and an on-base percentage of .400.

Saltalamacchia hit the disabled list with a back injury just two games into the season.  Now he’s ready to come back, but Saltalamacchia is struggling with his throws back to the pitcher’s mound. In Salty’s last game, 12 of his throws back to the pitcher landed either short of the mound or in center field. He had five errant throws in the first inning alone.

“He’s just got to keep playing until he gets it right,” RedHawks manager Bobby Jones said. “I don’t know what else to do. It’s a shame. It’s definitely what’s keeping him here. He’s blocking the ball well and swinging the bat well. He’s just got to figure it out. It’s a shame.”

Easy.  He just needs to memorize the details of the Victoria’s Secret catalog.  But I think he has bigger problems on his hands.  What’s he going to do about the circa 1998 Justin Timberlake hair???

(Delonte West, the worst friend/teammate on the planet)

LeBron James’ teammate, Delonte West, is sleeping with LeBron’s mother, Gloria James.  According to TerezOwens.com:

My source explains the following.  “My uncle is the general contractor at the Q and has been for the last 7 years.  He’s good friends with a lot of guys at the Q, including some of the bigger boys in the organization and knows Dan Gilbert personally.  My uncle has been told that Delonte has been banging Gloria James (LeBron’s Mom) for some time now.  Somehow LeBron found out before Game Four and it destroyed their chemistry and divided the team.  I am not making this up, I wish it wasn’t try but it happened.”  With Delone West’s checkered past, LeBron can be none too pleased with his teammate and good friend hanging with his Mother.

It was obvious that LeBron James was acting disengaged and distant during the games. In huddles he often looked at the ceiling or into the distance.  People have been guessing as to what the problem was, but little did anyone guess that it was one of his teammates boning his Mom!!!  The mental image is, well, disturbing to say the least.  At least LeBron has another reason to get the hell out of Cleveland.  The only people that live in Cleveland are people that hate themselves.

(Dumbass No. 1 To Run On Field)

(Dumbass No. 2 On Field The Following Night)

There were incidents on consecutive nights in Philadelphia during the home series against the St. Louis Cardinals this week wherein two high-IQed individuals ran onto the field while the Cardinals were at-bat.  The first was 17 years old, and the second was seven months pregnant and clearly very hungry.  Forget tasering these people, has anyone considered waterboarding?

(Eric Byrnes, Currently No MLB Affiliation)

The Seattle Mariners released outfielder Eric Byrnes this weekend, two days after a late-game gaffe and bizarre exit from the clubhouse on a bicycle. Seattle signed Byrnes in January after the Diamondbacks released him. He was batting .094 in 15 games, including a strike out looking on three pitches with the bases loaded Sunday.

On Friday night, he inexplicably pulled his bat back on a botched suicide squeeze. Ichiro Suzuki was tagged out on the play. Byrnes then rode this beach cruiser bicycle out the front door of the clubhouse minutes after the game ended. He made a right turn down a tunnel and then made a 90-degree left turn around the approaching Mariners GM.  Okay, I clearly would rather get a bikini wax then watch the Mariners play baseball, but according to ESPN, this is what happened:

With one out, the game tied 0-0 in the 11th inning and Ichiro Suzuki on third base, Seattle manager Don Wakamatsu called for a squeeze. Byrnes offered at the pitch but for some reason pulled his bat back and left Ichiro out to dry. Worse yet, Byrnes apparently realized his mistake and weakly attempted to bunt again after the pitch had already crossed home plate!

The whole thing was so astounding that Texas manager Ron Washington got ejected for arguing that the pitch should have been a strike because Byrnes had tried to bunt. When the umpire told him that Byrnes had pulled back the bat, Washington refused to believe him and continued to argue. He said that in all his years in baseball he had never seen anyone pull back the bat on a squeeze. He said he couldn’t even fathom it. It was impossible. So he continued arguing and was ejected.

When Eric Byrnes was in Arizona, this guy was such a jagoff blow hard that he even had “The Eric Byrnes Show” on Fox Sports Arizona.  I turned it on once to find out that he had put on a fashion show in Scottsdale for his new clothing line.  Everything looked like horrendous Ed Hardy and Affliction rip offs.  The audacity of this guy to be a glorified, good-for-nothing fourth outfielder and think that people would actually want to dress like him, or buy anything even affiliated with his name. Eric Byrnes should just get a tattoo on his face that says DOUCHEBAG.  I bet if I cut him open he would be full of nothing but water and vinegar.

Hey A-Rod! Forget Dallas Braden.  You make $33 million a year and you are dating this broad??????

(Cameron Diaz, Looking Pretty Beat)

Note to self: If I ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror to find I look like I got into a hockey fight the night before, I’m not going to leave the house that day.

Oh yeah, that’s right, they don’t have to do any homework: they’re college athletes!  This is actually pretty damn funny.  Apparently the Florida Atlantic and Western Kentucky  baseball players have a lot of time on their hands, so much so that they have devised some very entertaining ways to keep themselves occupied during extended rain delays.

I am certain this is a common occurrence at Phillies games, but:

A New Jersey man is facing charges after police say he intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl and her father in the stands during a Philadelphia Phillies baseball game.

Twenty-one-year-old Matthew Clemmens, of Cherry Hill, N.J., was arraigned Friday on charges stemming from his behavior at Wednesday night’s Phillies-Nationals game.

Police say Clemmens made himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and one of his daughters after Clemmens’ companion was kicked out of Citizens Bank Park for unruly behavior, which included cursing, spitting and spilling beer by Clemmens and a friend.

According to an account in the Philadelphia Daily News, Clemmens and his friend were asked by the 15-year-old daughter of Michael Vangelo, an off-duty Easton police captain, to stop cursing and spitting. A short while later, Vangelo said, it started again.

“One guy started spitting … first it landed on the back of my daughter’s chair. Then it landed on her hooded sweatshirt,” Vangelo said, according to the Philadelphia Daily News.

After Vangelo reported the incident to stadium officials, Clemmens’ friend was led out of the stadium. At that point, Vangelo said Clemmens said he would be sick and “put two fingers down his throat.”

He then “leaned forward and started vomiting on us,” Vangelo said, according to the Daily News.

“It was the most vile, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. He has two fingers down his throat, he lunges forward and vomits on myself and my 11-year-old.”

Vangelo said he tried to push his children safely behind him, and Clemmens punched him in the face. Four or five fans in the next section rushed to help, Vangelo said. They held him until police arrived — someone punching Clemmens in the face as he tried to break free — and an officer was also hit with vomit, Vanore said.

“It reminds you of the type of behavior you used to hear about at the 700 level in Veterans Stadium,” Philadelphia police spokesman Lt. Frank Vanore said, according to the Daily News.

Vangelo told the Daily News he didn’t hit Clemmens because “I kept thinking, ‘If I get arrested, my kids will be alone here.’ ”

Clemmens is being held on $36,000 bail on three complaints containing 15 counts of the different offenses, including aggravated assault, and harassment. (AP)

Why can’t this country start euthanizing people?  We are over-populated in this country as is.  Wait, are we sure this wasn’t Ben Roethlisberger?  He is a fat, disgusting pig too…

Eri Yoshida

18-year-old Japanese female knuckleballer Eri Yoshida has signed with the Chico Outlaws.  She was the first female to play in the Japanese men’s baseball league, and now is the first female professional baseball player in the U.S. in a decade.  Her pitches only top off at around 50 miles per hour, but Yoshida allegedly has a sweet little knuckleball.

Yoshida spent March working with  fellow knuckleballer Tim Wakefield at the Boston Red Sox’s minor league training center.  She also won games in the Arizona Winter League this past year.

MLB‘s David Wright and The Situation, Mike Sorrentino, in a brilliant new commercial for Vitamin Water.

Gym, Tan, Laundry Baby!

For me, it’s more like beer, ballgame, beer, beer, beer, nap.

Check out Mark Buehrle’s amazing play on opening day of major league baseball. It’s off the chain!