The Baseball Chick

Earlier this week, Kimberly Bell, former mistress of Barry Bonds, got me laughing by getting into the dirty details regarding her former partner’s alleged steroid-related shrinkage. She met Bonds in 1994 and over the course of their nine years together, saw Barry change in more ways than simply bulking up; in fact, she testified specifically about the effects to his “Kool and the Gang” caused by his alleged steroid use.  According to TerezOwens.com:

Called by federal prosecutors to the witness stand in Bonds’ perjury trial, she testified that Bonds’ sexual performance declined in the later years of their relationship.  She also said that his testicles changed shape and shrank…Another side effect of steroid use.  Bell also testified that Bonds grew and shaved chest hair and developed acne on his back…

The technical term for that is “backne.” I just can’t wait to see who federal prosecutors call next. Are they going to call his teammates from the 80s who saw him naked in the locker room in order to testify as to his formerly massive package? Is the jury going to get the luxury of visuals, such as before-and-after photographic comparisons documenting this wiener change?  But I digress…

Wednesday’s testimony came primarily from current and former employees of UCLA’s Olympic Lab, which tested a urine sample from Bonds obtained during baseball’s 2003 testing program, and which tested positive for “the clear.” Prosecutors have now indicated they only have three witnesses left: Kathy Hoskins, Bonds’ former personal shopper; Dr. Arthur Ting, the slugger’s former orthopedic surgeon; and Don Catlin, a renowned anti-doping expert who tested a 2003 drug sample from Bonds.  Prosecutors have declined to call Bobby Estalella, a Giant during the 2000 and 2001 seasons who presumably would have testified to occasions when Bonds told him about using performance enhancing drugs, former Giants Benito Santiago and Armando Rios, and former Balco VP James Valente.

Bonds faces four counts of perjury and one count of obstructing justice for lying to a federal grand jury about steroid use.

Sorry for the long hiatus folks, but I’ve been in four months of inpatient therapy over the whole The-Cardinals-Offered-Albert-Pujols-Equity-In-The-Fucking-Team-And-He-Still-Turned-Them-Down Fiasco.

Anyways, I attended the Diamondbacks/Rangers spring training game last weekend and I have some interesting news to report from the brand spanking new Salt River Fields.

1) Sneak your own fucking liquor into the game. I stood in line from the 3rd to the 6th inning waiting for a fucking Miller Lite, which almost tastes as good as committing suicide.

2) Ladies, bring your douchebag repellent. When the Dbacks won the game in the bottom of the 9th, I didn’t know whether to stand up and cheer, or start fist pumpin’ because, you know, I had to fight the beat back. Me and my friend listened to 4 alleged “men” standing near the Rangers bullpen discuss whether some chick standing behind us would be hot if she dropped 10 pounds, and then debate for 15 minutes as to whether that 10 pounds was just water weight…. True story.

3) My friend thinks Matt Treanor is super hot.  And honestly, she puts Misty May to shame, so he probably should have gone for it.

4) The Rangers catchers in the bullpen have heated rock-paper-scissors battles to determine who will catch the next warm-up session.

In conclusion, I hope this helps my readers when it comes time to draft your fantasy teams!

In a move that made me upchuck my Coffee Frappachino the other day, Commander of the Idiot Brigade Bud Selig said that he is not opposed to the idea of expanding postseason play.  In fact, the concept of expanding baseball’s postseason by making the Division Series round best-of-seven or even adding teams to the field is building support from the Major League Baseball Players’ Association.  According to the MLBPA, players are generally receptive to the idea, but changes likely would not be implemented until 2012 at the earliest because they’re subject to collective bargaining.

Many have defended or straight out encouraged the idea, citing the 16 team playoff format utilized by the NBA and the 12 team playoff format in the NFL.  But quite frankly, how absolutely pathetic do you feel even tuning in to the 1 seed versus 8 seed series in Round One of the NBA Playoffs? No one should want to reward a .500 Indiana Pacers team with a playoff berth.  It’s plain retarded.  It seems to take an entire MONTH of NBA playoff action to even get into the meat of the competition between quality teams. If the MLB went NBA on everyone’s asses, do you know who we would have had to endure in the playoffs this year? The motherfucking Florida Marlins and Detroit Tigers!!!  And for what, so we can reward the 12 loyal fans of the Florida Marlins who survived their team’s truly mediocre season? I’ll tell you what, if the Marlins really want to be a perennial fixture in the postseason, perhaps they should stop having fire sales following every one of their World Series appearances.  Even my beloved St. Louis Cardinals would have made the playoffs under the proposed new playoff format. But did the underperforming Cardinals deserve to be in the 2010 playoffs? Sadly, no.   And I quite like seeing the best-of-the-best face off starting on day one of the playoffs.

If we are going to let so many damn teams into the thing to begin with, why even have a grueling 162-game schedule? Let’s just play April, get a sense of things, and then start the playoffs in the first week of May.  Or we can change baseball completely and just have the entire season be one big tournament with every team invited to participate until one team is left standing.

But I have to go catch a flight to Milwaukee now because I have a date with an upper decker in Bud Selig’s master bathroom.

Unless your world only encapsulates incessant Yankees-Red Sox coverage, the 2010 World Series has actually amounted into quite an interesting little affair.  After all, the Giants have not won it all since 1954 (when the team was still in New York), and the American League is represented by the perennially mediocre Texas Rangers, who have never even appeared in a World Series, whether residing in Washington, D.C. or Arlington.  Usually these franchises are masters of futility.  So while this is clearly exciting for both teams’ loyal fans, it can also be an intriguing World Series for anyone else tuning in.  After all, America is guaranteed to not witness another Yankees’ champagne bath, video montage to George Steinbrenner, or cascade of projectile vomit coming out of the mouths of Phillies fans and landing directly on little children for the remainder of this season.

Moving on.  We have quite a cute little pitching battle to look forward to.  Game 1 is the marquee matchup between pitching superstars Tim Lincecum and Cliff Lee.  Cliff Lee’s 2010 postseason numbers have been off the chain.  Lee is 7-0 with a 1.26 ERA the past two years in the postseason, and has struck out 34 and walked 1. Lee also threw a complete game in Game 5 of the ALDS. He has a 0.75 ERA this postseason, while pitching a total of 24 innings in 3 games, and an impressive 3.18 ERA cumulative for the entire 2010 season.  Pitching for the Giants on Wednesday night, Tim Lincecum has a career 3.04 ERA and a 2010 postseason ERA of 1.93.  However, Lee’s stuff this postseason has been pretty nasty in the best way.  He made an impressive and powerful Phillies’ lineup look like the Pittsburgh Pirates.  All pitching well this postseason, Matt Cain has had a 0.00 ERA this postseason, Colby Lewis a 1.45, Jonathan Sanchez a 2.93 and C.J. Wilson a 3.93.  Needless to say, tough pitching is going to be on exhibition from both sides during the 2010 World Series.

The Giants seem to have the better bullpen, and certainly some of these games will be tight in the later innings.  In terms of closers, Neftali Feliz has been pretty damn good, but is virtually untested in postseason play.  However, Brian Wilson, freaky beard and all, has done the job in sticky situations this postseason, and has gotten the big out when absolutely necessary.  Unfortunately, he’s caused some ulcers in his 9^th inning appearances this postseason.  Wilson needs to have better command of his stuff, and cannot fall behind as often as he did against Philadelphia.  Ultimately, his backdoor cutter is going to have to be on-point against the powerful Texas Rangers, who are often looking to demolish a fastball mistake.

But ultimately, this World Series will come down to offense and the big bats of the Rangers.  There is no doubt in my mind that this will become a battle between San Francisco’s ace pitching staff and the Rangers’ stacked lineup.  And quite frankly, once Cody Ross cools down (history and his career dictate that he most certainly will), what potency do the San Francisco Giants really have offensively? They have offensive talent sprinkled throughout their lineup, including the phenomenal Buster Posey, but the Giants lineup top to bottom is simply not intimidating… at all.  Cumulative, the Giants had a .257 batting average this season.  Meanwhile, the Rangers have big-time bats like Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton, Vladimir Guerrero, David Murphy, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young, and Elvis Andrus.  And these threats come from both sides of the plate.  And let us not forget that Josh Hamilton is currently showcasing why he is becoming one of the preeminent ballplayers in the league.  The Giants pitching staff will need to bring their best off-speed stuff to each and every game if they hope to keep Hamilton off the bases.

The Giants will not be able to keep Elvis Andrus off of the bases, at least not entirely, and their defense will need to be spectacular.  And unfortunately for the Giants, Chase Utley isn’t playing second base for the Rangers this time around.

The Texas Rangers win the World Series in an exciting 7-game series.

(Shin-Soo Choo, Just Because You're Not From America Doesn't Mean You Can't Be An American-Sized Pain-In-The-Ass)

In what is becoming a prevalent trend in professional sports, everyone wants to get the fuck out of Cleveland. Fast.

In fact, Indians right fielder Shin-Soo Choo told The Korea Times, “ As with other players, I also want to transfer to a team which wins more. If I could move to a better team, I could generate a better record and improve more.”

Perhaps Mr. Choo should have thought of that before the made a deal with Cleveland that leaves three years remaining on his contract.  But since Choo is eligible for arbitration this offseason, he will command more money. Expect his $461,000 salary to rise significantly.  With Choo’s significant contributions necessary for the lackluster Cleveland offense, the Indians will most certainly try and sign him to a long-term contract to make him happy.  Either that or Choo can return to Korea to serve his mandatory two years of military service as required by the Korean government.  Good times.

Since the situation in Korea is so fucking awesome right now, he should probably reconsider whether being stuck in the military in third world-esqe Korea is preferable to sitting his ass in dumpy Cleveland, getting paid a shit boat load of money, and playing for a mediocre to potentially quite horrendous ball club.

But like an abused wife, I think true Cleveland fans are now numb to the pain and suffering

(Tropicana Field, in all its glory)

The lack of attendance at home Tampa Bay Rays games is apparently getting under the skin of some of its star players. On a night the Tampa Bay Rays had a chance to clinch a playoff spot, only 12,446 fans – the fourth smallest crowd of the season – showed up at Tropicana Field.  And of that total, who knows how many were actually there to support the Rays.

Evan Longoria was quoted as saying “… You’d pretty much like to think that a team in a playoff hunt, with an opportunity to clinch, that you could at least get 30,000 in here to cheer you on…. We play 155 games of really good baseball, and it’s kind of like, what else do we have to do to get fans into this place? I mean, it’s actually embarrassing to us.”  Longoria, who has missed the last four games with an injury, said the lack of support is “disheartening.”

Moreover, pitcher David Price took to his Twitter account to proclaim, “Had a chance to clinch a post season spot tonight with about 10,000 fans in the stands … embarrassing.”

However, I have been to St. Petersburg (where the Tropicana Field is actually located) and I have to say, are Evan Longoria and David Price just trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest gathering of derelicts in history? They should be happy there are only 12K there per night. Any more “fans” and they would have to enact Hepatitis testing upon entry into the ballpark.

As you may or may not know, I made a solemn promise to myself to not post until Brad Lidge had started sucking again, and all was again right with the world. And now I have not posted for a month. So the question remains: Is Brad Lidge really good again?

Until the mid-way point of this season, Brad Lidge was still making a habit out of blowing saves left and right.  The demands were strong in Philadelphia for set-up man Ryan Madson to be promoted to closer.  However, Manager Charlie Manuel refused to consider this move. Then Lidge seemed to revert back to his 2008 lights out self.  He performed very well in his save opportunities throughout the month of August. And even though he will probably never again reach the greatness of 2008, it does appear Lidge has worked past his issues, and is back to being a solid closer.

In 2009, Lidge’s walk rate was 5.22 BB/9, a career high. His 1.69 HR/9 rate was yet another career high.

But now, Lidge’s strikeout and walk rates in 2010 are almost identical to his 2008 numbers:

2008 Lidge: 11.94 K/9, 4.54 BB/9

2010 Lidge: 11.12 K/9, 4.45 BB/9

But has Lidge actually turned the corner? In August, Lidge has returned to pounding the strike zone and getting batters to chase balls.  Lidge does not have the velocity he used to, and his slider simply isn’t the same, his improved command has made up for it.

Will it last for the remainder of his career? Quite frankly, I think I smiled a lot more when he made an art out of choking.

Stop crying, you pussy!

As many already know, there was an altercation at Citi Field following the Mets’ Wednesday night loss to the Colorado Rockies.  According to a police spokesman, New York Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez “repeatedly hit [Carlos Pena] in the face and hit his head against a wall.”  Carlos Pena is Rodriguez’s girlfriend’s father.  However, the New York Daily News is reporting that Mr. Pena was simply offering some tough-love advice to K-Rod. Apparently, following the game, Rodriguez started yelling about the most recent loss by the team and Pena said to him, “Stop acting like a baby. Man up, and play better.”

His resultant two-game suspension will cost him more than $125,000 of his $11.5 million salary. Rodriguez apologized and said he’ll undergo anger-management counseling. Rodriguez was charged with third-degree assault and second-degree harassment in Queens Criminal Court on Thursday.

Dude, call me crazy, but I think those are totally real.  I think she should have paid for the nose job first, but hell, that’s just me.

According to Wired Science:

Individuals who inherit a particular gene variant that tweaks the brain’s reward system are especially likely to drink a lot of alcohol in the company of heavy-boozing peers.

That’s the preliminary indication of a new study directed by psychology graduate student Helle Larsen of Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands. Adults carrying at least one copy of a long version of the dopamine D4 receptor gene, dubbed DRD4, imbibed substantially more alcohol around a heavy-drinking peer than did others who lacked that gene variant, Larsen’s group reports in a paper published online July 7 in Psychological Science.

“Carriers of the long gene may be more attuned to, and influenced by, another person’s heavy drinking than noncarriers are,” Larsen says.

Her study provides the first evidence that a gene influences human alcohol use in social situations.

Scientists have yet to decipher the precise brain effects of DRD4’s long form. Larsen hypothesizes that in the presence of heavy drinkers, the gene variant may increase dopamine activity in brain areas that amplify alcohol’s appeal as a rewarding social activity.

“If this gene-environment interaction stands, and I don’t see why it shouldn’t, there is every reason to expect the effect would extend to drugs besides alcohol, as well to many motivated pursuits,” remarks biopsychologist Kent Berridge of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, who was not involved with the new study.

Sociologist Michael Shanahan of the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill lauds the new study for ruling out the possibility that carriers of the key gene simply like to drink a lot of booze and tend to do so with other heavy drinkers. Instead, alcohol use jumped among volunteers with a long DRD4 gene who happened to see a stranger imbibe heavily for a brief time.

Larsen and her colleagues asked 60 women and 53 men to evaluate advertisements for an alcohol-abuse prevention campaign. Each volunteer entered a room that had been furnished as a typical Dutch pub, accompanied by a person of the same sex who the volunteer thought was another participant but who was actually working with the researchers.

In between two 10-minute evaluation sessions, volunteers and the researchers’ confederates were given a break. An experimenter asked them to sit at a bar stocked with peanuts, beer, wine, soda and mineral water and to drink whatever they wanted.

As instructed, confederates took the initiative and drank either two sodas, one alcoholic drink and then one soda; or three alcoholic drinks for women and four alcoholic drinks for men over a 30-minute period.

DNA analyses of saliva identified 31 volunteers as carriers of the long DRD4 gene, which contains an amino acid sequence that repeats seven times.

When confederates stuck to sodas or drank one alcoholic beverage, long-gene carriers and noncarriers alike limited themselves to an average of less than half a glass of wine or half a bottle of beer.

When confederates quaffed multiple alcoholic drinks, carriers of the gene variant consumed an average of almost two wine or beer servings, versus almost one serving for noncarriers.

These results held for men and women, all of whom said they drink socially, regardless of how much alcohol they reported drinking weekly.

Deceptive research techniques can backfire if volunteers see through them and don’t admit it to researchers (SN: 6/20/98, p. 394). But when interviewed after testing, none of the participants guessed the study’s real aim or the confederate’s agenda.

Other researchers need to confirm these findings, Larsen says. Some attempts to replicate findings from other studies of gene-environment interactions have yielded mixed results, including follow-up work on a study by researchers from Duke University in Durham, N.C., that found that another gene variant promotes depression in people who experience stress.

Thanks, dopamine D4 receptor gene!!! And cheers!