The Baseball Chick

(Ken Macha)

According to Yahoo!Sports, Ken Macha, the manager of the Milwaukee Brewers, is one of the managers on the hot seat already this season.  Seeing as the Brewers are well below .500 and have lost six in a row, I cannot say I am surprised.  However, it is a sure thing that the Brewers will be mediocre year-in and year-out.  I don’t know how it happens, since any team with Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun shouldn’t be so damn average, but they make sure they finish around third or fourth in the NL Central almost every year.  Few things are so constant.  The sky is blue, water is wet, and the Brewers don’t win.

And well, this season is no different, thanks to pitching staff second only to the Diamondbacks in overall horrendous-ness.  I fail to see why any of the pitchers below can still get work in the majors.  Trevor Hoffman has a 11.08 ERA,  LaTroy Hawkins has a 9.26 ERA and Doug Davis has a 7.56 ERA.  Willie Randolph will be the manager by the All Star break, or sooner.

Now, who the fuck is going to the store to pick me up a case of Pabst?  A six pack is not near enough to carry me through a full night of postseason hockey mayhem. 

(Steve Phillips and Brooke Hundley)

So, after my traumatic 2009 MLB Playoff experience, I flew to Switzerland and was placed in a medically induced coma.  It was the best that I could do since I don’t think they have actually developed the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind technology.  Alas, it didn’t help, because the minute I awoke I told the nurse, “I had the worst dream that some bald-headed overpaid fucktard named Matt Hollidaylet a routine fly ball hit him directly in the junk and we eventually got swept from the mlb playoffs.”  The nurse then told me in broken English, “Oui mademoiselle, this man, how do you say…Matt Holliday… he did this dreaded thing… he is the biggest laughing stock in the all zee land.  This man, he is as funny as zee great Jerry Lewis….”

Needless to say, I am now back home and am considering becoming a hermit.  What exciting baseball news I did come home to was that Steve Phillips of ESPN was fired following his admission to an affair with a 22 year old staffer named Brooke Hundley. Phillips told the police in Wilton, Connecticut: “Over a three-week span, I had a total of three sexual encounters with her. Those were the only times I spent any time alone with her.”  He said this after his wife, Marni, allegedly received telephone calls, texts and a graphic letter describing the affair. 

At first I was confused and I thought he was banging an actress.  I mean, she looks just like one of the actors from that new movie Where The Wild Things Are.  But then my buddy corrected me, informing me that those were actually people in monster costumes.

What a slap in the face to his poor wife!  Not only was he banging someone else, but he was banging that big ol’ tub of lard.  For those of you not familiar with some Southern cooking, here is what lard looks like:

LARD!

See the resemblance? 

However, I feel more badly for my buddy.  He took one look at the picture of this “chick” and his penis immediately committed suicide.  His wang just picked up a gun and blew it’s fucking head off.  The doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it.