The Baseball Chick

(Eric Byrnes, Currently No MLB Affiliation)

The Seattle Mariners released outfielder Eric Byrnes this weekend, two days after a late-game gaffe and bizarre exit from the clubhouse on a bicycle. Seattle signed Byrnes in January after the Diamondbacks released him. He was batting .094 in 15 games, including a strike out looking on three pitches with the bases loaded Sunday.

On Friday night, he inexplicably pulled his bat back on a botched suicide squeeze. Ichiro Suzuki was tagged out on the play. Byrnes then rode this beach cruiser bicycle out the front door of the clubhouse minutes after the game ended. He made a right turn down a tunnel and then made a 90-degree left turn around the approaching Mariners GM.  Okay, I clearly would rather get a bikini wax then watch the Mariners play baseball, but according to ESPN, this is what happened:

With one out, the game tied 0-0 in the 11th inning and Ichiro Suzuki on third base, Seattle manager Don Wakamatsu called for a squeeze. Byrnes offered at the pitch but for some reason pulled his bat back and left Ichiro out to dry. Worse yet, Byrnes apparently realized his mistake and weakly attempted to bunt again after the pitch had already crossed home plate!

The whole thing was so astounding that Texas manager Ron Washington got ejected for arguing that the pitch should have been a strike because Byrnes had tried to bunt. When the umpire told him that Byrnes had pulled back the bat, Washington refused to believe him and continued to argue. He said that in all his years in baseball he had never seen anyone pull back the bat on a squeeze. He said he couldn’t even fathom it. It was impossible. So he continued arguing and was ejected.

When Eric Byrnes was in Arizona, this guy was such a jagoff blow hard that he even had “The Eric Byrnes Show” on Fox Sports Arizona.  I turned it on once to find out that he had put on a fashion show in Scottsdale for his new clothing line.  Everything looked like horrendous Ed Hardy and Affliction rip offs.  The audacity of this guy to be a glorified, good-for-nothing fourth outfielder and think that people would actually want to dress like him, or buy anything even affiliated with his name. Eric Byrnes should just get a tattoo on his face that says DOUCHEBAG.  I bet if I cut him open he would be full of nothing but water and vinegar.

(Steve Phillips and Brooke Hundley)

So, after my traumatic 2009 MLB Playoff experience, I flew to Switzerland and was placed in a medically induced coma.  It was the best that I could do since I don’t think they have actually developed the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind technology.  Alas, it didn’t help, because the minute I awoke I told the nurse, “I had the worst dream that some bald-headed overpaid fucktard named Matt Hollidaylet a routine fly ball hit him directly in the junk and we eventually got swept from the mlb playoffs.”  The nurse then told me in broken English, “Oui mademoiselle, this man, how do you say…Matt Holliday… he did this dreaded thing… he is the biggest laughing stock in the all zee land.  This man, he is as funny as zee great Jerry Lewis….”

Needless to say, I am now back home and am considering becoming a hermit.  What exciting baseball news I did come home to was that Steve Phillips of ESPN was fired following his admission to an affair with a 22 year old staffer named Brooke Hundley. Phillips told the police in Wilton, Connecticut: “Over a three-week span, I had a total of three sexual encounters with her. Those were the only times I spent any time alone with her.”  He said this after his wife, Marni, allegedly received telephone calls, texts and a graphic letter describing the affair. 

At first I was confused and I thought he was banging an actress.  I mean, she looks just like one of the actors from that new movie Where The Wild Things Are.  But then my buddy corrected me, informing me that those were actually people in monster costumes.

What a slap in the face to his poor wife!  Not only was he banging someone else, but he was banging that big ol’ tub of lard.  For those of you not familiar with some Southern cooking, here is what lard looks like:

LARD!

See the resemblance? 

However, I feel more badly for my buddy.  He took one look at the picture of this “chick” and his penis immediately committed suicide.  His wang just picked up a gun and blew it’s fucking head off.  The doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it.

Does anyone else think that Lou Holtz sounds just like Sylvester the cat from Looney Tunes when he talks?  Those other poor schmucks on ESPN must hate having these on-air debates with him every Saturday.  I mean, not only is he clearly very senile, but he must just drench those other guys in Lou Holtz spittle.  I bet even his spit smells like old people…

Get out the Stella Artois and Oreos, because I’m camped out in front of the television watching the heated Red Sox-Yankees rivalry all weekend…. not.  This is a mass conspiracy orchestrated by Fox and ESPN in order to convince us that this rivalry is the most important thing in sports… like the rest of America doesn’t even exist.  The next weekend I am force-fed a weekend of Yankees-Red Sox baseball, I’m going to the zoo to punch a baby seal in the face.  Don’t tempt me.

Call me what you will, but I could watch Don Zimmer get thrown to the ground for 5 straight hours and the smile would never leave my face.  I mean, what a senile retard.  What did his old ass think he was actually going to do to Pedro Martinez?