The Baseball Chick

Sorry for the long hiatus folks, but I’ve been in four months of inpatient therapy over the whole The-Cardinals-Offered-Albert-Pujols-Equity-In-The-Fucking-Team-And-He-Still-Turned-Them-Down Fiasco.

Anyways, I attended the Diamondbacks/Rangers spring training game last weekend and I have some interesting news to report from the brand spanking new Salt River Fields.

1) Sneak your own fucking liquor into the game. I stood in line from the 3rd to the 6th inning waiting for a fucking Miller Lite, which almost tastes as good as committing suicide.

2) Ladies, bring your douchebag repellent. When the Dbacks won the game in the bottom of the 9th, I didn’t know whether to stand up and cheer, or start fist pumpin’ because, you know, I had to fight the beat back. Me and my friend listened to 4 alleged “men” standing near the Rangers bullpen discuss whether some chick standing behind us would be hot if she dropped 10 pounds, and then debate for 15 minutes as to whether that 10 pounds was just water weight…. True story.

3) My friend thinks Matt Treanor is super hot.  And honestly, she puts Misty May to shame, so he probably should have gone for it.

4) The Rangers catchers in the bullpen have heated rock-paper-scissors battles to determine who will catch the next warm-up session.

In conclusion, I hope this helps my readers when it comes time to draft your fantasy teams!

(Ken Macha)

According to Yahoo!Sports, Ken Macha, the manager of the Milwaukee Brewers, is one of the managers on the hot seat already this season.  Seeing as the Brewers are well below .500 and have lost six in a row, I cannot say I am surprised.  However, it is a sure thing that the Brewers will be mediocre year-in and year-out.  I don’t know how it happens, since any team with Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun shouldn’t be so damn average, but they make sure they finish around third or fourth in the NL Central almost every year.  Few things are so constant.  The sky is blue, water is wet, and the Brewers don’t win.

And well, this season is no different, thanks to pitching staff second only to the Diamondbacks in overall horrendous-ness.  I fail to see why any of the pitchers below can still get work in the majors.  Trevor Hoffman has a 11.08 ERA,  LaTroy Hawkins has a 9.26 ERA and Doug Davis has a 7.56 ERA.  Willie Randolph will be the manager by the All Star break, or sooner.

Now, who the fuck is going to the store to pick me up a case of Pabst?  A six pack is not near enough to carry me through a full night of postseason hockey mayhem. 

It is rumored that Curtis Granderson is on his way to the Yankees in a three-team deal that would also involve pitchers Edwin Jackson and Ian Kennedy going to Arizona.  In return, exciting young pitchers Daniel Schlereth and Max Scherzer would be sent to the Tigers.  What all this means for Johnny Damon’s and Melky Cabrera’s days in New York is still an open question.

My first impression is that this deal is a big “thumbs up” for both the Yankees and the Tigers.  However, I think I would even have a hard time dealing Jackson and Kennedy for Scherzer and Schlereth in my fantasy league this upcoming season.  I mean, Jackson did well last season, but I got him nearly at the end of my draft when some other morons were trying to choose between J.R. Towles and Josh Bard.  Get it?  Total fluke.

After losing Brandon Webb at the start of the season, the Diamondbacks were already off to a rough start.  This was no fault of their own.  However, they have proceeded to turn this somewhat promising, young franchise into a group of bumbling stooges. 

To blame is Diamondbacks management, who wrongly turned to a mediocre former catcher with no managerial experience and assumingly expected him to foster discipline and fundamentals in this group of knuckleheads.  A.J. Hinch lacks any credibility as a manager and loses more everyday due to his team’s poor showing day-in and day-out.  Their performance often resembles a little league team, and not a good one at that.  NOW, a disappointing start has turned into pure embarrassment.

Mark Reynolds, although hitting well, has 10 errors at third base ALONE.  Justin Upton has 7.  The team as a total has 80 (that’s second only to those wonderful Nationals).  When I’m feeling down and I need a good laugh, I turn on the DBacks because I know that something hilarious is going to happen when they take the field.  Hell, tomorrow maybe Chris Young’s pants will fall down when he starts running in for a pop up.  Then, Mark Reynolds might let the ball go between his legs, piss his pants and then cry.  Or cry and then piss his pants.