The Baseball Chick

(Brian Urlacher, Chicago Bears)

I was so mesmerized by the NFL Week 1 hype that I spent my entire weekend watching football games, football commentary, football predictions and Peyton Manning commercials for DirectTV, as opposed to watching all the September MLB excitement.  The big news seems to be that the Chicago Bears’ season is over, basically, before it began.  Time to pack in those hopes and dreams for another year, Bears fans!  Not only did Jay Cutler look like the retarded love child of Rex Grossman and Cade McNown, but Brian Urlacher dislocated his right wrist, requiring surgery and placing him on the sideline for the rest of the season.

What a delicate little dandelion!  I think I’m going to spend the rest of the night researching the effects of genital herpes on bone strength.  Or perhaps attempting to discover a correlation between sports-related injuries and genital herpes.  I mean, we know Brian Urlacher has herpes… After all, we all found out that Paris Hilton had herpes when her storage unit items were auctioned off following her failure to pay the amounts due on it.  Included in those items was a prescription for Valtrex, the medication used to treat genital herpes outbreaks.  We also know that Brian Urlacher and Paris Hilton had a “relationship” in 2003, shortly following his split from his wife and their meeting in Vegas.  And we all know how Paris Hilton likes to shake hands…

Just another reason to avoid STDs fellas; it could ruin a perfectly promising football season.

Man, I love watching National League ballgames.  However, something in my heart goes aflutter everytime these closers blow another game in the 9th, just like I’m one of those chicks on the Antonio Sabato, Jr. dating show.  I feel like a giddy schoolgirl again!  I’ve decided to start writing love letters to these wonderful, beautiful men who make me feel so good inside…

Dear Kevin:

I loved turning on SportsCenter every night at the beginning of summer.  I liked that you didn’t play games with me.  You were so consistent.  I knew that every night, I could turn down the lights, burn some candles, flip on some Barry White, and watch you ruin another potential Cubs victory.  You were my reason for watching every night!  When I was feeling down, I knew that your crappy pitching could put a smile on my face.  You’re so sweet to me!  I even looked for a Kevin Gregg jersey, but I think those horrible Cubs fans burned them all in anger.  Why don’t they just accept you for what you do so well, which is blowing games!?!

I’m so sad that they don’t let you close anymore.  It’s obvious to me that Lou Pinella is just jealous of your sex appeal, with those hot glasses and all.  I yearn for your 90 mile per hour fastball, sailing like a gigantic beach ball over the plate, to be in my life once again.

Love,

thebaseballchick