The Baseball Chick

BREAKING NEWS:  According to thedirty.com, which I find to have very reliable news, oftentimes before anyone else picks up on it, Elin Nordegren Woods tried to beat the living jesus out of her husband, Tiger Woods, because he knocked up one of his many mistresses!!!  Not only was is Tiger unbelievably indiscreet, but he also must have an allergy to latex.  And besides these chicks looking unbelievably whorish, they must also be too brain dead to take a stupid pill.

Well, I hope he has syphilis.

Heidi Strobel Hamels, one classy lady and mother

Cole Hamels’ Reality Star Wife, Heidi, a former contestant on Survivor, popped out their first child last week.  She went into labor while Hamels was still on the mound in Game 2 of the NLDS.  Thankfully, his pitching was sort of lame anyways.

Apparently, Frank Coppenbarger, the Phillies’ director of team travel and clubhouse services, received a text message directly from Hamels’ wife stating: “I’m in the hospital going into labor. Could you please tell Cole as soon as he is done pitching.”  Coppenbarger kept the information to himself.

“The next inning, we pinch-hit for him,” Coppenbarger said after the game. “I went over and mentioned it to [pitching coach] Rich Dubee first. He said, ‘Just go ahead and tell him right now.’ He was sort of numb,” Coppenbarger said. (Philadelphia Inquirer)

It’s clear that the real father of this baby is Mr. Coppenbarger.  Why does she have his number?  And why else would Cole’s mood be “numb” as opposed to “overjoyed” or “jubilant” and “ecstatic”?

Sorry, I watched soap operas all Columbus Day…