The Baseball Chick

(Eric Byrnes, Currently No MLB Affiliation)

The Seattle Mariners released outfielder Eric Byrnes this weekend, two days after a late-game gaffe and bizarre exit from the clubhouse on a bicycle. Seattle signed Byrnes in January after the Diamondbacks released him. He was batting .094 in 15 games, including a strike out looking on three pitches with the bases loaded Sunday.

On Friday night, he inexplicably pulled his bat back on a botched suicide squeeze. Ichiro Suzuki was tagged out on the play. Byrnes then rode this beach cruiser bicycle out the front door of the clubhouse minutes after the game ended. He made a right turn down a tunnel and then made a 90-degree left turn around the approaching Mariners GM.  Okay, I clearly would rather get a bikini wax then watch the Mariners play baseball, but according to ESPN, this is what happened:

With one out, the game tied 0-0 in the 11th inning and Ichiro Suzuki on third base, Seattle manager Don Wakamatsu called for a squeeze. Byrnes offered at the pitch but for some reason pulled his bat back and left Ichiro out to dry. Worse yet, Byrnes apparently realized his mistake and weakly attempted to bunt again after the pitch had already crossed home plate!

The whole thing was so astounding that Texas manager Ron Washington got ejected for arguing that the pitch should have been a strike because Byrnes had tried to bunt. When the umpire told him that Byrnes had pulled back the bat, Washington refused to believe him and continued to argue. He said that in all his years in baseball he had never seen anyone pull back the bat on a squeeze. He said he couldn’t even fathom it. It was impossible. So he continued arguing and was ejected.

When Eric Byrnes was in Arizona, this guy was such a jagoff blow hard that he even had “The Eric Byrnes Show” on Fox Sports Arizona.  I turned it on once to find out that he had put on a fashion show in Scottsdale for his new clothing line.  Everything looked like horrendous Ed Hardy and Affliction rip offs.  The audacity of this guy to be a glorified, good-for-nothing fourth outfielder and think that people would actually want to dress like him, or buy anything even affiliated with his name. Eric Byrnes should just get a tattoo on his face that says DOUCHEBAG.  I bet if I cut him open he would be full of nothing but water and vinegar.

It is rumored that Curtis Granderson is on his way to the Yankees in a three-team deal that would also involve pitchers Edwin Jackson and Ian Kennedy going to Arizona.  In return, exciting young pitchers Daniel Schlereth and Max Scherzer would be sent to the Tigers.  What all this means for Johnny Damon’s and Melky Cabrera’s days in New York is still an open question.

My first impression is that this deal is a big “thumbs up” for both the Yankees and the Tigers.  However, I think I would even have a hard time dealing Jackson and Kennedy for Scherzer and Schlereth in my fantasy league this upcoming season.  I mean, Jackson did well last season, but I got him nearly at the end of my draft when some other morons were trying to choose between J.R. Towles and Josh Bard.  Get it?  Total fluke.

After losing Brandon Webb at the start of the season, the Diamondbacks were already off to a rough start.  This was no fault of their own.  However, they have proceeded to turn this somewhat promising, young franchise into a group of bumbling stooges. 

To blame is Diamondbacks management, who wrongly turned to a mediocre former catcher with no managerial experience and assumingly expected him to foster discipline and fundamentals in this group of knuckleheads.  A.J. Hinch lacks any credibility as a manager and loses more everyday due to his team’s poor showing day-in and day-out.  Their performance often resembles a little league team, and not a good one at that.  NOW, a disappointing start has turned into pure embarrassment.

Mark Reynolds, although hitting well, has 10 errors at third base ALONE.  Justin Upton has 7.  The team as a total has 80 (that’s second only to those wonderful Nationals).  When I’m feeling down and I need a good laugh, I turn on the DBacks because I know that something hilarious is going to happen when they take the field.  Hell, tomorrow maybe Chris Young’s pants will fall down when he starts running in for a pop up.  Then, Mark Reynolds might let the ball go between his legs, piss his pants and then cry.  Or cry and then piss his pants.