The Baseball Chick

(Eric Byrnes, Currently No MLB Affiliation)

The Seattle Mariners released outfielder Eric Byrnes this weekend, two days after a late-game gaffe and bizarre exit from the clubhouse on a bicycle. Seattle signed Byrnes in January after the Diamondbacks released him. He was batting .094 in 15 games, including a strike out looking on three pitches with the bases loaded Sunday.

On Friday night, he inexplicably pulled his bat back on a botched suicide squeeze. Ichiro Suzuki was tagged out on the play. Byrnes then rode this beach cruiser bicycle out the front door of the clubhouse minutes after the game ended. He made a right turn down a tunnel and then made a 90-degree left turn around the approaching Mariners GM.  Okay, I clearly would rather get a bikini wax then watch the Mariners play baseball, but according to ESPN, this is what happened:

With one out, the game tied 0-0 in the 11th inning and Ichiro Suzuki on third base, Seattle manager Don Wakamatsu called for a squeeze. Byrnes offered at the pitch but for some reason pulled his bat back and left Ichiro out to dry. Worse yet, Byrnes apparently realized his mistake and weakly attempted to bunt again after the pitch had already crossed home plate!

The whole thing was so astounding that Texas manager Ron Washington got ejected for arguing that the pitch should have been a strike because Byrnes had tried to bunt. When the umpire told him that Byrnes had pulled back the bat, Washington refused to believe him and continued to argue. He said that in all his years in baseball he had never seen anyone pull back the bat on a squeeze. He said he couldn’t even fathom it. It was impossible. So he continued arguing and was ejected.

When Eric Byrnes was in Arizona, this guy was such a jagoff blow hard that he even had “The Eric Byrnes Show” on Fox Sports Arizona.  I turned it on once to find out that he had put on a fashion show in Scottsdale for his new clothing line.  Everything looked like horrendous Ed Hardy and Affliction rip offs.  The audacity of this guy to be a glorified, good-for-nothing fourth outfielder and think that people would actually want to dress like him, or buy anything even affiliated with his name. Eric Byrnes should just get a tattoo on his face that says DOUCHEBAG.  I bet if I cut him open he would be full of nothing but water and vinegar.

The Major League Baseball regular season is winding down, which means fantasy baseball seasons are nearing their sad, miserable conclusions. If you are lacking the supreme drafting skills of yours truly, then I’m sure you have been frustrated with one or more of your high draft picks.  I simply wanted to point out ten guys that probably screwed a lot of fantasy teams in 2009.

1.  Jose Reyes – SS – New York Mets - 147 ab, .279 avg, 2 hr, 15 rbi, 11 sb

As a top three pick in most fantasy leagues, Jose Reyes had the hopes of many managers resting on his shoulders. Reyes was projected to steal 50+ bases this season while potentially improving on his power numbers in the stacked Mets lineup. However, injuries derailed these lofty hopes and in turn derailed the chances of many a fantasy baseball team unfortunate enough to draft him. Top Bust.

2.  Brad Lidge – P – Philadelphia Phillies – 25 sv, 30 op, 6.90 era, 1.77 whip

In 2008, Brad Lidge did not blow a save and finished with a 1.95 ERA and 1.23 WHIP. Fantasy owners may not have been expecting perfection, but they were not expecting eight blown saves and an ERA closer to ten than two. Some of his problems can be blamed on the knee injury, but more likely than not Lidge has just lost it. This sad sack of shit is a major headcase.  Lidge has the mental fortitude of the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz . Additionally, this is not the first time his confidence has been severely shaken, as the mammoth blast he gave up to Albert Pujols in the playoffs a few years back began a quick downward spiral for him that many may remember. He recovered from that last year, but seems to have fallen back into the funk and I’m not so sure that he’ll be able to get out of it this time. It should be noted that I love this guy though; he makes me giggle.  Bust.

3.  David Wright – 3b – New York Mets – 426 ab, .324 avg, 8 hr, 55 rbi, 24 sb

David Wright came into the 2009 season #1 on many people’s draft boards. He combines power and speed with a high average. Whether it’s the new pitcher-friendly Citi Field or the injuries to the power bats behind him in the line-up, David Wright just does not have his power this year. With his high average draft position and due to the fact he was projected by most to hit over 30 homeruns, Wright definitely qualifies as a bust for 2009.

4. Alfonso Soriano – OF – Chicago Cubs – 459 ab, .240 avg, 19 hr, 52 rbi, 9 sb

Soriano was a mid to late first round pick in most fantasy drafts in 2009. Most projected him to hit over 30 homeruns and steal over 20 bases. He fell in some drafts due to his diminishing speed, but the power should have remained. He has never been a player to help a team average, but he has also never batted below .268 in his career. The season is not quite over yet, but it appears that Soriano will not even reach 25 homers, will struggle to steal even his tenth bag, and will finish with an average below .250.  However, his “skip-and-catch” approach in left field is in peak form and it makes him look like a pretty ballerina. Bust.

5. Chris Davis – 1b – Texas Rangers – 258 ab, .202 avg, 15 hr, 33 rbi, 0 sb

Chris Davis may have been the top “sleeper” pick (that everyone knew about) in 2009. Projected to reach 30 homers and 100 RBIs while qualifying at both corner infield spots, Davis was primed for a big year. Unfortunately, strikeouts and an early season slump knocked him off course and even landed him back in the minors. Since his early season hype bumped him way up draft boards, Davis is most definitely a bust.

6. Garrett Atkins – 3b – Colorado Rockies – 298 ab, .225 avg, 8 hr, 39 rbi, 0 sb

Garrett Atkins came into 2009 with three straight 20 plus homerun and 99 plus RBI seasons. The lowest he batted in the last three years was .286. A guy is entitled to an off year, but having less than 10 homers and 39 RBIs with a .225 batting average in only 298 at bats is just plain horrific. Yes, he had distractions such as the trade rumors and Ian Stewart breathing down his neck, but he had been the definition of consistency for three straight years. Garrett Atkins makes it hard to ever trust him again, much like every other man in my life. Bust.

7. Chris Young – OF – Arizona Diamondbacks – 315 ab, .194 avg, 7 hr, 28 rbi, 11 sb

Much like the Arizona Diamondbacks’ season, Chris Young has been a major disappointment. Many thought that this year would be his breakout year. Young has 20/20, perhaps even 30/30, potential, but he just cannot stop striking out. He is down in the minors right now killing the ball, but has not shown that he can consistently hit at the major league level. A smart manager would probably bat him fifth or sixth because his on-base skills are not those of a major league lead-off hitter.  This guy sucks. Chris Young is nothing but a bust.

8. Rick Ankiel – OF – St. Louis Cardinals – 308 ab, .234 avg, 10 hr, 34 rbi, 2 sb

Rick Ankiel was one of the best “feel-good” stories of 2008. He accomplished the rare feat of transitioning from major league pitcher to major league position player. With a big bat and a cannon for an arm, Ankiel was the talk of every ballpark he visited. However, his lack of mental toughness was the reason for his breakdown and subsequent transition. The pressure of being a major league pitcher brought about one of the worst meltdowns in MLB history. Now in his second full year as a major league hitter, he is starting to come back down to earth and we will see if he is still a mental weakling. He has battled some injuries this season, but fantasy owners who drafted him looking for power don’t want to hear the excuses.  Everyone was prepared to take a hit in average, but 10 homers in 300 at bats equals a 2009 fantasy bust.  The only thing he had going for him was his 1970s-circa policeman’s mustache, and he shaved that off too.  Therefore, he is worthless.

9. Magglio Ordonez – OF – Detroit Tigers – 351 ab, .274 avg, 7 hr, 37 rbi, 3 sb

A drop off for Magglio Ordonez was to be expected as he is now 35 years old, but after a 2008 in which he hit .317 with 21 homers and 103 RBIs, the drop off was not expected to be this severe. Mags has heated up a bit in August, but he is still three homers shy of double digits and one good month is not going to be enough to save his fantasy owners. Bottom-line, Mags is a bust.

10. Cole Hamels – P – Philadelphia Phillies – 139.1 inn, 7 wins, 4.78 era, 1.35 whip, 119 Ks

A lot of fantasy owners suspected that Cole Hamels may be a bust in 2009 because of the injury risk he presented.  After all, in the 2008 season, Hamels pitched a staggering 227 innings. Nobody considered the notion that he could be a bust while being totally healthy, but that is exactly what happened (and is happening) this season. At first the assumption was that it was simply rust following some injuries in spring training, but now it’s just silly. Cole Hamels has been consistently mediocre in 2009 and because of his high average draft position, he is a total bust.  In punishment, I think that his super-hot wife should dump his ass and take up with Cliff Lee.  Cole Hamels and his stupid mid-90s hair need a serious slump buster.

Dishonorable Mention

Jay Bruce – OF – Cincinnati Reds -  299 ab, .207 avg, 18 hr, 41 rbi, 3 sb

Alex Gordon – 3b – Kansas City Royals -  96 ab, .198 avg, 3 hr, 11 rbi, 4 sb

J.J. Hardy – SS – Milwaukee Brewers -  371 ab, .245 avg, 11 hr, 45 rbi, 0 sb

The Major League Baseball season is more than halfway over which means time is running out to make a run in your fantasy baseball league.  With the trade deadline approaching, now is the time to start looking at those set-up men that will inherit the closer position when teams decide to make a change.  The Fantasy Sports Corner has a list of ten potential closers for those in need of saves for the stretch run:

1.  Leo Nunez (Marlins) – 3.56 era, 1.19 whip, 13 holds, 7 saves

If Nunez is still available in your league and you are in need of saves, stop reading and go pick him up.  When closer Matt Lindstrom first went down with an injury, the Florida Marlins went to a committee of lefty Dan Meyer and righty Leo Nunez.  Nunez has emerged as the favorite by getting the last 3 save chances and converting them all.  The plan is to ease Lindstrom back into closing duties, so Nunez will have a chance for a few more saves.  If Nunez continues to pitch well and Lindstrom does not improve on his miserable first half, then the closer’s job could be handed to Nunez permanently.

2.  C.J. Wilson (Rangers) – 2.86 era, 1.27 whip, 8 holds, 10 saves

Texas Rangers closer Frank Francisco got off to a stellar start in 2009.  However, injuries and a current case of pneumonia have limited him.  When Francisco has not be available, C.J. Wilson has filled in admirably.  Wilson won’t be handed the full-time job anytime soon, but Francisco has not shown that he has trouble staying healthy.  So if you are in need of saves, C.J. Wilson is a set-up man to own.

3.  Jon Rauch (Diamondbacks) – 4.25 era, 1.35 whip, 6 holds, 2 saves

The numbers don’t look great, but Jon Rauch has really turned things around lately.  He has only allowed 3 earned runs in his last 10 innings and with the Arizona Diamondbacks looking like sellers at the trade deadline, he may get another shot to close.  There are trade rumors around current Diamondbacks closer Chad Qualls, so Rauch could be in line for some second-half saves.

4.  Ramon Troncoso (Dodgers) – 1.95 era, 1.25 whip, 10 holds, 5 saves

Los Angeles Dodgers closer Jonathan Broxton is dealing with a nagging toe injury that manager Joe Torre feels could be a problem for the rest of the season.  When Broxton has been unable to pitch, set-up man Ramon Troncoso has filled in and has proven very dependable.  Broxton has done well since the All-Star break, but with a chance of missed days and a D.L. stint, Ramon Troncoso makes a nice second-half sleeper.

5.  Jim Johnson (Orioles) – 3.05 era, 1.26 whip, 14 holds, 1 save

Trade rumors are swirling around Baltimore Orioles closer George Sherrill.  The Orioles are definitely sellers and with quite a few teams showing interest there is a good chance Sherrill will be moved.  Jim Johnson would get the first crack at the closer’s job and should do just fine.  Johnson’s strikeout rate leaves a lot to be desired, but the 25-year-old can be relied on to get outs.

6.  John Grabow (Pirates) – 3.65 era, 1.50 whip, 16 holds, 0 saves

Current Pittsburgh Pirates closer Matt Capps has a lot of job security and isn’t a free agent until 2012.  However, there have been some trade rumors (with the Marlins showing interest), and if he were to be moved then John Grabow would step into the closer’s role.  The Pirates have been winning some games this year, so with a Capps trade Grabow would become a solid fantasy closer.

7.  Matt Thornton (White Sox) – 2.85 era, 1.20 whip, 15 holds, 1 save

Chicago White Sox closer Bobby Jenks has given up six runs in his last four appearances.  Ozzie Guillen has been quoted as saying that Jenks will remain the closer.  His actual quote was, “He’s my closer and if people don’t want him to be my closer, don’t come to the God damn games.”  With a strong bullpen, the White Sox could look to trade Jenks or he could just pitch himself out of a job.  If either of these things happen, Matt Thornton should get first shot at the closer’s role.

8.  Joe Beimel (Nationals) – 3.35 era, 1.33 whip, 10 holds, 1 save

Mike MacDougal is surprisingly doing a fine job closing games for a struggling (to say the least) Washington Nationals baseball team.  However, Manager Jim Riggleman has said that he wants to use the dreaded closer-by-committee approach.  MacDougal will be the favorite in the committee, but his peripherals suggest he is due for a big fall.  Next in line would be Joe Beimel.  Beimel is only 1 for 5 in save opportunities this year, so he is a risky option as well and probably best left for NL-only fantasy leagues.  Sean Burnett is a sleeper here and has pitched extremely well in his short time with the Nationals.

9.  LaTroy Hawkins (Astros) – 2.36 era, 1.24 whip, 11 holds, 10 saves

Houston Astros closer Jose Valverde has been great so far in the second half.  LaTroy Hawkins filled in quite well for Valverde while he was on the D.L. and would do so again if Valverde were to succumb to injury (which is always a possibility).  If the Astros were to fall out of the race there is the potential for Valverde to be traded as he is a free agent.  Hawkins is also a free agent which is why he is toward the bottom of the list.

10.  Ryan Madson (Phillies) – 3.10 era, 1.20 whip, 16 holds, 4 saves

Ryan Madson was one of the best set-up men in baseball for the Philladelphia Phillies in the first half.  When current closer Brad Lidge went on the D.L., Madson got a chance to see if his 8th inning skills would translate to the 9th inning.  Madson learned quickly that closing games is not easy and he struggled mightily in the role.  Brad Lidge is back closing games for the Phillies and Madson is settling back into his set-up role here in the second half.  However, Lidge is still proving to be awfully hittable and although he says his knee is 100% there is always the possibility of another trip to the D.L.  All of this makes Ryan Madson a sleeper closer and his numbers will not hurt you if you’re looking for help in ERA, WHIP, and K/9.

After losing Brandon Webb at the start of the season, the Diamondbacks were already off to a rough start.  This was no fault of their own.  However, they have proceeded to turn this somewhat promising, young franchise into a group of bumbling stooges. 

To blame is Diamondbacks management, who wrongly turned to a mediocre former catcher with no managerial experience and assumingly expected him to foster discipline and fundamentals in this group of knuckleheads.  A.J. Hinch lacks any credibility as a manager and loses more everyday due to his team’s poor showing day-in and day-out.  Their performance often resembles a little league team, and not a good one at that.  NOW, a disappointing start has turned into pure embarrassment.

Mark Reynolds, although hitting well, has 10 errors at third base ALONE.  Justin Upton has 7.  The team as a total has 80 (that’s second only to those wonderful Nationals).  When I’m feeling down and I need a good laugh, I turn on the DBacks because I know that something hilarious is going to happen when they take the field.  Hell, tomorrow maybe Chris Young’s pants will fall down when he starts running in for a pop up.  Then, Mark Reynolds might let the ball go between his legs, piss his pants and then cry.  Or cry and then piss his pants.