The Baseball Chick

(The McCourts during happier times)

This broad is out of control:

Jamie McCourt wants nearly $1 million per month in temporary support from her estranged husband, an amount disclosed in a court filing in which her lawyers allege Frank McCourt has engaged in a “carefully calculated subterfuge designed to mislead the court” about his financial resources.The revised request — for $988,845 per month — reflects property-tax bills as well as additional records that her lawyers claim can show the couple averaged $2.3 million per month in salaries, distributions and perks starting in 2004, when the McCourts bought the [MLB's Los Angeles] Dodgers.  (LA Times)

Hey, if you wanted to rock the lifestyle, maybe you shouldn’t have started banging your $20 an hour bodyguard.  She is clearly a bad businesswoman.

(Rachel Uchitel, Whore Deluxe)

Yes, the body is fairly bangin’, but let’s please take a gander at the cosmetic-surgery fiasco that is this “lady’s” face.  She even comes complete with the post-eye lift wonky eye, a la Paris Hilton!  I’m putting “lady” in quotes here simply because there is the distinct and not-too-subtle hint of drag queen in this “chick’s” face.  To anyone that thinks otherwise, I have some good news for you: you may be a dude that’s had sex with another dude and not known it.  More than once.

To be fair, the “chick” in question, Rachel Uchitel, is denying the affair, as well as the rumors of texting, etc.  But this is also the same chick that has recently been accused of having an affair with a married David Boreanaz (lead dude from Bones and Angel) while his wife was pregnant.  So either this chick is name-dropping something fierce in order to become famous not caring whose lives she ruins in the process or she is really into bangin’ married celebrities.  Neither scenario makes her anything more than an overpriced dolled-up prostitute.

Makes me yearn for the days when we took skanks like this, accused them of practicing witchcraft and then burned them alive (also known as “The Good Ol’ Days”).

(Steve Phillips and Brooke Hundley)

So, after my traumatic 2009 MLB Playoff experience, I flew to Switzerland and was placed in a medically induced coma.  It was the best that I could do since I don’t think they have actually developed the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind technology.  Alas, it didn’t help, because the minute I awoke I told the nurse, “I had the worst dream that some bald-headed overpaid fucktard named Matt Hollidaylet a routine fly ball hit him directly in the junk and we eventually got swept from the mlb playoffs.”  The nurse then told me in broken English, “Oui mademoiselle, this man, how do you say…Matt Holliday… he did this dreaded thing… he is the biggest laughing stock in the all zee land.  This man, he is as funny as zee great Jerry Lewis….”

Needless to say, I am now back home and am considering becoming a hermit.  What exciting baseball news I did come home to was that Steve Phillips of ESPN was fired following his admission to an affair with a 22 year old staffer named Brooke Hundley. Phillips told the police in Wilton, Connecticut: “Over a three-week span, I had a total of three sexual encounters with her. Those were the only times I spent any time alone with her.”  He said this after his wife, Marni, allegedly received telephone calls, texts and a graphic letter describing the affair. 

At first I was confused and I thought he was banging an actress.  I mean, she looks just like one of the actors from that new movie Where The Wild Things Are.  But then my buddy corrected me, informing me that those were actually people in monster costumes.

What a slap in the face to his poor wife!  Not only was he banging someone else, but he was banging that big ol’ tub of lard.  For those of you not familiar with some Southern cooking, here is what lard looks like:

LARD!

See the resemblance? 

However, I feel more badly for my buddy.  He took one look at the picture of this “chick” and his penis immediately committed suicide.  His wang just picked up a gun and blew it’s fucking head off.  The doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it.