Does anyone else think that Lou Holtz sounds just like Sylvester the cat from Looney Tunes when he talks? Those other poor schmucks on ESPN must hate having these on-air debates with him every Saturday. I mean, not only is he clearly very senile, but he must just drench those other guys in Lou Holtz spittle. I bet even his spit smells like old people…
(Brian Urlacher, Chicago Bears)
I was so mesmerized by the NFL Week 1 hype that I spent my entire weekend watching football games, football commentary, football predictions and Peyton Manning commercials for DirectTV, as opposed to watching all the September MLB excitement. The big news seems to be that the Chicago Bears’ season is over, basically, before it began. Time to pack in those hopes and dreams for another year, Bears fans! Not only did Jay Cutler look like the retarded love child of Rex Grossman and Cade McNown, but Brian Urlacher dislocated his right wrist, requiring surgery and placing him on the sideline for the rest of the season.
What a delicate little dandelion! I think I’m going to spend the rest of the night researching the effects of genital herpes on bone strength. Or perhaps attempting to discover a correlation between sports-related injuries and genital herpes. I mean, we know Brian Urlacher has herpes… After all, we all found out that Paris Hilton had herpes when her storage unit items were auctioned off following her failure to pay the amounts due on it. Included in those items was a prescription for Valtrex, the medication used to treat genital herpes outbreaks. We also know that Brian Urlacher and Paris Hilton had a “relationship” in 2003, shortly following his split from his wife and their meeting in Vegas. And we all know how Paris Hilton likes to shake hands…
Just another reason to avoid STDs fellas; it could ruin a perfectly promising football season.
Man, I love watching National League ballgames. However, something in my heart goes aflutter everytime these closers blow another game in the 9th, just like I’m one of those chicks on the Antonio Sabato, Jr. dating show. I feel like a giddy schoolgirl again! I’ve decided to start writing love letters to these wonderful, beautiful men who make me feel so good inside…
Dear Kevin:
I loved turning on SportsCenter every night at the beginning of summer. I liked that you didn’t play games with me. You were so consistent. I knew that every night, I could turn down the lights, burn some candles, flip on some Barry White, and watch you ruin another potential Cubs victory. You were my reason for watching every night! When I was feeling down, I knew that your crappy pitching could put a smile on my face. You’re so sweet to me! I even looked for a Kevin Gregg jersey, but I think those horrible Cubs fans burned them all in anger. Why don’t they just accept you for what you do so well, which is blowing games!?!
I’m so sad that they don’t let you close anymore. It’s obvious to me that Lou Pinella is just jealous of your sex appeal, with those hot glasses and all. I yearn for your 90 mile per hour fastball, sailing like a gigantic beach ball over the plate, to be in my life once again.
Love,
thebaseballchick
More specifically, I hate fruit in beer. Limes, oranges, whatever. If you’re saying, “Hey, what’s wrong with putting a fruit in your beer?” Well then sir, you are gayer than Billy Beane. Don’t fight it, just accept it and be proud. Give me a call, perhaps we can go jean shopping together sometime. However, nothing chaps my ass like sitting at a bar, watching the game and overhearing some dude complain about the missing orange in his stupid Hefeweizen. If you still find nothing wrong with this and you are not gay, then I have a solution: Lean forward until your face is touching the computer monitor. Then beat your head repeatedly against the screen until you die.
(Brett Favre, Cry Baby Extraordinaire)
Earlier this year, my burning, tear-inducing hate for Michael Vick consumed me. I couldn’t wait for the beginning of the season simply in order to voice my disgust for whatever team signed him. In preparation, I watched Dog Town on the National Geographic Channel over and over again. (Watch it, it’ll make you sick.) It made me mad. My eyes began to bulge out of my head the way Mike Singletary’s used to when he was waiting for the ball to snap. I told myself, “Be outraged for Albert Pujols!” (The number one man in my life, my kick-ass miniature schnauzer.)
Then, like magic, the American public’s never-ending nightmare, Brett Favre, decided to bring his cry baby act back to the NFL. Hey Brett, the NFL is for REAL MEN you pansy! It occurred to me, if I hate Michael Vick so much because he hurt my favorite animal in the world, then Brett Favre must’ve done something pretty damn bad himself. Then it became clear, Brett Favre violates baby sea otters. This, as you may be aware, is the second cutest creature in the entire animal kingdom. So way to go, Brett Favre, you baby sea otter fucker…
(Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves)
The body of a 22 year old Mexican national was found on Chipper Jones‘ Double Dime ranch in southwestern Texas this past Thursday. Authorities believe the man entered the country illegally and could not handle the heat and drought conditions. The ranch is 10,000 acres and takes its name from the fact that Jones and his father both have worn the number 10.
Interestingly, it has been called a ”hunter’s paradise,” with wildlife and a lodge for hunters, in addition to shooting ranges and stocked lakes.
Hell, if I had been hunting the same old boring deer for years, I would probably want to step it up a notch too. How better to do that than to take a lone, frightened human being and have him run it out for his life? Oops… where was I?
Anyways, I’m just surprised good ol’ Larry could afford 10,000 acres. I thought he spent all of his money at Hooters.
I laughed my ass off this weekend when I heard the first story about how he hurt his eye, a drop of pee came out when I heard the second and now I’m simply dumbfounded. Varied reports have been surfacing throughout the weekend as to how this moron actually injured himself just prior to his first rehab start following hip surgery.
At first, Myers claimed he suffered the swollen eye while playing catch with his son. Then, he ”admitted” he suffered the injury falling on his face as he got out of his truck early Saturday morning. Now, another equally embarrassing story has emerged:
Myers and his wife Kim were involved in a verbal altercation with other patrons at a Jacksonville pub/restaurant late Friday night, according to four eye-witnesses and the St. John’s County Sheriff’s Department, but no punches were thrown and Myers did not appear to have been struck in the eye when deputies responded to the establishment.
Six eye-witnesses interviewed by the Daily News said that they saw Myers, his wife, and a small group of friends drinking at Shannon’s Irish Pub Friday night in St. John’s County, south of the immediate downtown area. It started as a normal Friday night, with Myers and his friends sitting at the bar listening to a folk/pop band play on stage. One fellow bar patron not associated with Myers’ group said he briefly exchanged pleasantries with the righthander outside the bathroom sometime before 11 p.m.
Apparently sometime after 12:30 AM, there was a scuffle near the stage where the band was playing, and Myers was not involved. After that situation settled down, however, a second altercation occurred that involved Myers’ wife. Somebody in the band then called the police because their equipment had been damaged, and according to the sheriff’s deputy on the scene, “inappropriate comments” were directed at Kim Myers.
That’s when Brett got involved, though the same sheriff’s deputy said there was no evidence that Myers had been struck.
“Nobody alleged that he hit (anyone); nobody alleged that he was hitting,” the spokesman said. “Obviously there was a lot of alcohol involved, but how much and on whose part we do not know.”
Myers maintains that he only had about three beers, which a member of the wait staff at the bar confirmed, but also said they weren’t sure what he may have ordered from anyone else involved. (mlb.fanhouse.com)
Drama!!! Having a Masters of Arts in Drunken Belligerency, I have to say that the latter story sounds the most plausible. OR, perhaps it’s a combination of the stories. I’m thinking Brett Myers and his “bad ass” wife got tanked and involved in an altercation where, as stated above, Mr. Myers was not injured. His hillbilly ass wakes up the next morning, still drunk from the night before and then falls out of his truck like a bunch of circus folk getting out of a clown car. Then, like the goofy-eyebrowed prick he is, blames the whole thing on his kid. God, I hate being right all the time!
Three things on this hilarious scandal:
1. Rick Pitino must not like his career OR his family very much if he was willing to risk it all over this old bag. Did she throw out her back? I sure hope she chewed a Bayer so that her heart didn’t go out on her. Man, I can only imagine how sexy the situation must’ve been when her legs where sticking up in the air and he could look down and see all those spider veins. HOT!
2. I don’t actually think this broad could get pregnant. I think the “big change” she had about 10 years prior would preclude that.
3. Look at her face and then look at her neck and try not to throw up in your mouth.
Above, Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez share a tender, private moment on what appears to be the grass of Yankee Stadium. Kate Hudson used to complain about needing her privacy, but then Fool’s Gold happened. Bitch hasn’t done a good movie since 2000, so now she needs all the attention she can get.
Please take a gander at A-Rod’s face. He’s definitely making sure Derek Jeter doesn’t walk out of the clubhouse and see this charade. Someone’s going to be sleeping on the couch tonight!
I’m so glad Josh Hamilton got clean and decided to spread the word of Jesus Christ. God must have told him that he should stop being such a pussy and have a drink. I mean, everytime I take a drink it’s because God told me to. Him and the little boy Tony who lives in my finger…
