The Baseball Chick

(Eric Gagne - Isn't ache a sign of steroid use?)

Beginning his attempt at returning to the majors, former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne responded to questions about performance-enhancing drugs by saying “There are a lot of regrets.”

He also told reporters, “I’ve said it 150 times, it’s always going to be on my resume for the rest of my life. People will second-guess everything I do and if I have a good year they’ll all second guess. That’s normal. I’m not expecting anything else. But for me it’s over. I have to go on. I can talk about it every day. It doesn’t matter. I still have to go out and pitch and perform.”

But in a later interview with the Los Angeles Times published this past Saturday, Gagne became a little less obtuse in his admissions when asked about his alleged use of HGH:

“I did,” [Gagne] says. “I hate to talk about it. It just doesn’t do anyone any good. But I thought it would help me get better when I hurt my knee. I just don’t want that to sound as an excuse.

“I’m so ashamed. It wasn’t smart. If I knew what I know now … I didn’t need it. I regret it so much, just now maybe getting over the guilt. It was stupid.”

The once imposing and feared closer signed a minor league deal with the Dodgers, guaranteeing him a relatively meager $500,000 if he makes the Opening Day roster.

I hate to toot my own horn, but I was preaching this news to all the people creaming their leopard print thongs in Los Angeles over Eric Gagne years before his name ever showed up in the Mitchell Report.  Now, this news is pretty much a “duh” situation, but I always like to make formal announcement of how right I consistently am.

Former major-leaguer Jose Offerman has been banned for life from the Dominican Winter Baseball League after attempting to punch an umpire.

Offerman, the interim manager of the Licey Tigers, tried to make contact with umpire Daniel Reyburn’s face Saturday during an argument regarding the ejection of Tigers catcher Ronny Paulino. Reyburn fell back dramatically and Offerman was escorted away.

Citing fears for their safety, the umpiring crew has since resigned and left the country due to the receipt of several threats from fans following the game.

This isn’t the first time Offerman’s panties have gotten in a bunch since his career has crapped out.  In 2007, while playing for the Long Island Ducks against the Bridgeport Bluefish, Offerman charged the mound after being hit by pitcher Matt Beech. Offerman struck Bridgeport catcher Joe Nathans and Beech.  Nathans subsequently sued Offerman for $4.8 million, claiming he sustained career-ending injuries. Offerman also was forced to attend anger management classes and was banned from the Atlantic League.

During his 15-year Major League career, Offerman played for the Dodgers, Royals, Red Sox, Mariners, Twins, Phillies and Mets, where I am certain he was a super-classy guy.  He hit .273 and was named to two All-Star teams.

The italic usage for the word attempting is intentional here.  While I’m not condoning his actions, this is such a pathetic, dainty, sorry excuse for a punch!  JWoww on Jersey Shore punches exactly 5000% better than this, even after downing 10 shots and having 3 dicks shoved up her ass in one night.  Is he so angry at the world because God blessed him with such a high-school-cheerleader-chick punch?  Who told this asshole he could fight?  The umpire trips for crying out loud!  In conclusion, $5 says I can kick Jose Offerman’s ass.

Since Mark McGwire is coming back to baseball this year as the new hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, it is clear he wanted to get something of his voluptuous steroid-induced man-tittays.

According to Mr. McGwire’s own admission, he used steroids on and off throughout the 90s, including during his record-breaking home run season.  I haven’t been this shocked since I found out Freddie Mercury was gay.

“It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize,” McGwire said in a statement released through the Cardinals. “I wish I had never touched steroids. It was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroids era.”

Of course this will be of minor benefit to the St. Louis Cardinals, as McGwire’s continued silence would have made it difficult for him to work productively with Holliday and the other Cardinals hitters without heavy skepticism.

McGwire somewhat defended himself by stating that his usage came with the desire to recover quickly from injuries and not as a means of cheating.  That’s crazy, because I could have sworn he did all those ‘roids because he hated having testicles.  I know I would.

Just as sure as the sky is blue, the sun rises in the east, and Tom Cruise is gay, Brad Lidge is certain to choke when it really matters.  Actually, it’s a relief because sometimes, when the world feels all topsy-turvy, I know I can look to Brad Lidge for the consistency my life lacks.  I can simply turn on the TV during the spring, summer or fall and a wave of relief will wash over me as I am assured that, yes, everything is as it should be.  Just as long as Brad Lidge is up there on the mound in the 9th inning, ripping the hearts out of fans from coast-to-coast, I know there is always a reason to smile.

Lidge said after the game, “I felt good.  I felt like it would be one of those innings that would be a good quick inning.”  Traveling out of the Never-Never Land Mr. Lidge resides in, what really happened is stated below:

[Damon] fouled off three consecutive nasty sliders. Lidge then missed with two fastballs. Then he threw two more fastballs, which Damon fouled off…. But Damon wouldn’t go away.

Damon’s single to left seemed innocent enough, but the urgency of the inning immediately was turned up when Damon broke for second on the first pitch.

Whatever the explanation, Lidge lost it. All that nasty stuff he had for the first three batters of the inning was gone. He immediately plunked Teixeira on the elbow. Alex Rodriguez then came to the plate. Second base was open — with Mariano Rivera looming in the bullpen, it didn’t really matter if the Yankees scored one or two or three runs — so Lidge could have pitched around Rodriguez. He wanted to pitch him inside. His second fastball was inside, but not far enough. Rodriguez smoked it into the left-field corner for a two-run double. (Fanhouse.com)

 As avid a National League supporter as I may be, there is something so wonderfully silly and ridiculous about the obscene amount of chances Brad Lidge has been getting.  Why is he cut so much slack?  Did he save a bunch of orphans from a building engulfed in flames?  I guess it really just goes to show how low the overall talent level is amongst Major League relief pitchers.  Even Jeff Fassero had a long MLB career!

Heidi Strobel Hamels, one classy lady and mother

Cole Hamels’ Reality Star Wife, Heidi, a former contestant on Survivor, popped out their first child last week.  She went into labor while Hamels was still on the mound in Game 2 of the NLDS.  Thankfully, his pitching was sort of lame anyways.

Apparently, Frank Coppenbarger, the Phillies’ director of team travel and clubhouse services, received a text message directly from Hamels’ wife stating: “I’m in the hospital going into labor. Could you please tell Cole as soon as he is done pitching.”  Coppenbarger kept the information to himself.

“The next inning, we pinch-hit for him,” Coppenbarger said after the game. “I went over and mentioned it to [pitching coach] Rich Dubee first. He said, ‘Just go ahead and tell him right now.’ He was sort of numb,” Coppenbarger said. (Philadelphia Inquirer)

It’s clear that the real father of this baby is Mr. Coppenbarger.  Why does she have his number?  And why else would Cole’s mood be “numb” as opposed to “overjoyed” or “jubilant” and “ecstatic”?

Sorry, I watched soap operas all Columbus Day…

(Angels Shower Nick Adenhart's Jersey With Beer)

“Hey, I have a good idea, let’s shower Nick’s jersey with the same substance that led to his horribly tragic death!”

If you win the ALCS, let’s take it up a notch.  How ’bout we all get blitzed and rocket blindly through intersections in the middle of the night!!!  Yee-haw, you gigantic group of Albert Einsteins!!!