The Baseball Chick

(Steve Phillips and Brooke Hundley)

So, after my traumatic 2009 MLB Playoff experience, I flew to Switzerland and was placed in a medically induced coma.  It was the best that I could do since I don’t think they have actually developed the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind technology.  Alas, it didn’t help, because the minute I awoke I told the nurse, “I had the worst dream that some bald-headed overpaid fucktard named Matt Hollidaylet a routine fly ball hit him directly in the junk and we eventually got swept from the mlb playoffs.”  The nurse then told me in broken English, “Oui mademoiselle, this man, how do you say…Matt Holliday… he did this dreaded thing… he is the biggest laughing stock in the all zee land.  This man, he is as funny as zee great Jerry Lewis….”

Needless to say, I am now back home and am considering becoming a hermit.  What exciting baseball news I did come home to was that Steve Phillips of ESPN was fired following his admission to an affair with a 22 year old staffer named Brooke Hundley. Phillips told the police in Wilton, Connecticut: “Over a three-week span, I had a total of three sexual encounters with her. Those were the only times I spent any time alone with her.”  He said this after his wife, Marni, allegedly received telephone calls, texts and a graphic letter describing the affair. 

At first I was confused and I thought he was banging an actress.  I mean, she looks just like one of the actors from that new movie Where The Wild Things Are.  But then my buddy corrected me, informing me that those were actually people in monster costumes.

What a slap in the face to his poor wife!  Not only was he banging someone else, but he was banging that big ol’ tub of lard.  For those of you not familiar with some Southern cooking, here is what lard looks like:

LARD!

See the resemblance? 

However, I feel more badly for my buddy.  He took one look at the picture of this “chick” and his penis immediately committed suicide.  His wang just picked up a gun and blew it’s fucking head off.  The doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it.

Holy ba-jesus, this is Russell Martin’s girlfriend?  I need her number quick. Someone needs to let this poor foreign girl know that Russell Martin is the same Canadian motherfucker who hit .250 with 7 homeruns in over 500 at bats this season.  Shesh…

Heidi Strobel Hamels, one classy lady and mother

Cole Hamels’ Reality Star Wife, Heidi, a former contestant on Survivor, popped out their first child last week.  She went into labor while Hamels was still on the mound in Game 2 of the NLDS.  Thankfully, his pitching was sort of lame anyways.

Apparently, Frank Coppenbarger, the Phillies’ director of team travel and clubhouse services, received a text message directly from Hamels’ wife stating: “I’m in the hospital going into labor. Could you please tell Cole as soon as he is done pitching.”  Coppenbarger kept the information to himself.

“The next inning, we pinch-hit for him,” Coppenbarger said after the game. “I went over and mentioned it to [pitching coach] Rich Dubee first. He said, ‘Just go ahead and tell him right now.’ He was sort of numb,” Coppenbarger said. (Philadelphia Inquirer)

It’s clear that the real father of this baby is Mr. Coppenbarger.  Why does she have his number?  And why else would Cole’s mood be “numb” as opposed to “overjoyed” or “jubilant” and “ecstatic”?

Sorry, I watched soap operas all Columbus Day…

(Angels Shower Nick Adenhart's Jersey With Beer)

“Hey, I have a good idea, let’s shower Nick’s jersey with the same substance that led to his horribly tragic death!”

If you win the ALCS, let’s take it up a notch.  How ’bout we all get blitzed and rocket blindly through intersections in the middle of the night!!!  Yee-haw, you gigantic group of Albert Einsteins!!!