The Baseball Chick

(Brett Favre, Cry Baby Extraordinaire)

Earlier this year, my burning, tear-inducing hate for Michael Vick consumed me.  I couldn’t wait for the beginning of the season simply in order to voice my disgust for whatever team signed him.  In preparation, I watched Dog Town on the National Geographic Channel over and over again.  (Watch it, it’ll make you sick.)  It made me mad.  My eyes began to bulge out of my head the way Mike Singletary’s used to when he was waiting for the ball to snap.  I told myself, “Be outraged for Albert Pujols!”  (The number one man in my life, my kick-ass miniature schnauzer.)

Then, like magic, the American public’s never-ending nightmare, Brett Favre, decided to bring his cry baby act back to the NFL.  Hey Brett, the NFL is for REAL MEN you pansy!  It occurred to me, if I hate Michael Vick so much because he hurt my favorite animal in the world, then Brett Favre must’ve done something pretty damn bad himself.  Then it became clear, Brett Favre violates baby sea otters.  This, as you may be aware, is the second cutest creature in the entire animal kingdom.  So way to go, Brett Favre, you baby sea otter fucker…

(Dayton Moore, Royals' General Manager)

Great news Royals fan!!! (Believe me, there is no typo in that first sentence.) Kansas City’s GM Dayton Moore has been signed to a contract extension, according to an anonymous source. Moore’s original contract ran through 2010; however, the source had no details regarding the length of his new deal.

The Royals have gone 31-67 after their 18-11 start. He has also brought “talent” such as Jose Guillen and Kyle Farnsworth to the ball club. Those guys are good… on a Special Olympics team… maybe. This guy should be taken out back and put down like Old Yeller, not given a contract extension and a pat on the behind.

In closing, here is a brilliant gem from Mr. Moore:

“I know how we’re going to fix it.  I just don’t know who we’re going to fix it with.”

The Major League Baseball regular season is winding down, which means fantasy baseball seasons are nearing their sad, miserable conclusions. If you are lacking the supreme drafting skills of yours truly, then I’m sure you have been frustrated with one or more of your high draft picks.  I simply wanted to point out ten guys that probably screwed a lot of fantasy teams in 2009.

1.  Jose Reyes – SS – New York Mets - 147 ab, .279 avg, 2 hr, 15 rbi, 11 sb

As a top three pick in most fantasy leagues, Jose Reyes had the hopes of many managers resting on his shoulders. Reyes was projected to steal 50+ bases this season while potentially improving on his power numbers in the stacked Mets lineup. However, injuries derailed these lofty hopes and in turn derailed the chances of many a fantasy baseball team unfortunate enough to draft him. Top Bust.

2.  Brad Lidge – P – Philadelphia Phillies – 25 sv, 30 op, 6.90 era, 1.77 whip

In 2008, Brad Lidge did not blow a save and finished with a 1.95 ERA and 1.23 WHIP. Fantasy owners may not have been expecting perfection, but they were not expecting eight blown saves and an ERA closer to ten than two. Some of his problems can be blamed on the knee injury, but more likely than not Lidge has just lost it. This sad sack of shit is a major headcase.  Lidge has the mental fortitude of the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz . Additionally, this is not the first time his confidence has been severely shaken, as the mammoth blast he gave up to Albert Pujols in the playoffs a few years back began a quick downward spiral for him that many may remember. He recovered from that last year, but seems to have fallen back into the funk and I’m not so sure that he’ll be able to get out of it this time. It should be noted that I love this guy though; he makes me giggle.  Bust.

3.  David Wright – 3b – New York Mets – 426 ab, .324 avg, 8 hr, 55 rbi, 24 sb

David Wright came into the 2009 season #1 on many people’s draft boards. He combines power and speed with a high average. Whether it’s the new pitcher-friendly Citi Field or the injuries to the power bats behind him in the line-up, David Wright just does not have his power this year. With his high average draft position and due to the fact he was projected by most to hit over 30 homeruns, Wright definitely qualifies as a bust for 2009.

4. Alfonso Soriano – OF – Chicago Cubs – 459 ab, .240 avg, 19 hr, 52 rbi, 9 sb

Soriano was a mid to late first round pick in most fantasy drafts in 2009. Most projected him to hit over 30 homeruns and steal over 20 bases. He fell in some drafts due to his diminishing speed, but the power should have remained. He has never been a player to help a team average, but he has also never batted below .268 in his career. The season is not quite over yet, but it appears that Soriano will not even reach 25 homers, will struggle to steal even his tenth bag, and will finish with an average below .250.  However, his “skip-and-catch” approach in left field is in peak form and it makes him look like a pretty ballerina. Bust.

5. Chris Davis – 1b – Texas Rangers – 258 ab, .202 avg, 15 hr, 33 rbi, 0 sb

Chris Davis may have been the top “sleeper” pick (that everyone knew about) in 2009. Projected to reach 30 homers and 100 RBIs while qualifying at both corner infield spots, Davis was primed for a big year. Unfortunately, strikeouts and an early season slump knocked him off course and even landed him back in the minors. Since his early season hype bumped him way up draft boards, Davis is most definitely a bust.

6. Garrett Atkins – 3b – Colorado Rockies – 298 ab, .225 avg, 8 hr, 39 rbi, 0 sb

Garrett Atkins came into 2009 with three straight 20 plus homerun and 99 plus RBI seasons. The lowest he batted in the last three years was .286. A guy is entitled to an off year, but having less than 10 homers and 39 RBIs with a .225 batting average in only 298 at bats is just plain horrific. Yes, he had distractions such as the trade rumors and Ian Stewart breathing down his neck, but he had been the definition of consistency for three straight years. Garrett Atkins makes it hard to ever trust him again, much like every other man in my life. Bust.

7. Chris Young – OF – Arizona Diamondbacks – 315 ab, .194 avg, 7 hr, 28 rbi, 11 sb

Much like the Arizona Diamondbacks’ season, Chris Young has been a major disappointment. Many thought that this year would be his breakout year. Young has 20/20, perhaps even 30/30, potential, but he just cannot stop striking out. He is down in the minors right now killing the ball, but has not shown that he can consistently hit at the major league level. A smart manager would probably bat him fifth or sixth because his on-base skills are not those of a major league lead-off hitter.  This guy sucks. Chris Young is nothing but a bust.

8. Rick Ankiel – OF – St. Louis Cardinals – 308 ab, .234 avg, 10 hr, 34 rbi, 2 sb

Rick Ankiel was one of the best “feel-good” stories of 2008. He accomplished the rare feat of transitioning from major league pitcher to major league position player. With a big bat and a cannon for an arm, Ankiel was the talk of every ballpark he visited. However, his lack of mental toughness was the reason for his breakdown and subsequent transition. The pressure of being a major league pitcher brought about one of the worst meltdowns in MLB history. Now in his second full year as a major league hitter, he is starting to come back down to earth and we will see if he is still a mental weakling. He has battled some injuries this season, but fantasy owners who drafted him looking for power don’t want to hear the excuses.  Everyone was prepared to take a hit in average, but 10 homers in 300 at bats equals a 2009 fantasy bust.  The only thing he had going for him was his 1970s-circa policeman’s mustache, and he shaved that off too.  Therefore, he is worthless.

9. Magglio Ordonez – OF – Detroit Tigers – 351 ab, .274 avg, 7 hr, 37 rbi, 3 sb

A drop off for Magglio Ordonez was to be expected as he is now 35 years old, but after a 2008 in which he hit .317 with 21 homers and 103 RBIs, the drop off was not expected to be this severe. Mags has heated up a bit in August, but he is still three homers shy of double digits and one good month is not going to be enough to save his fantasy owners. Bottom-line, Mags is a bust.

10. Cole Hamels – P – Philadelphia Phillies – 139.1 inn, 7 wins, 4.78 era, 1.35 whip, 119 Ks

A lot of fantasy owners suspected that Cole Hamels may be a bust in 2009 because of the injury risk he presented.  After all, in the 2008 season, Hamels pitched a staggering 227 innings. Nobody considered the notion that he could be a bust while being totally healthy, but that is exactly what happened (and is happening) this season. At first the assumption was that it was simply rust following some injuries in spring training, but now it’s just silly. Cole Hamels has been consistently mediocre in 2009 and because of his high average draft position, he is a total bust.  In punishment, I think that his super-hot wife should dump his ass and take up with Cliff Lee.  Cole Hamels and his stupid mid-90s hair need a serious slump buster.

Dishonorable Mention

Jay Bruce – OF – Cincinnati Reds -  299 ab, .207 avg, 18 hr, 41 rbi, 3 sb

Alex Gordon – 3b – Kansas City Royals -  96 ab, .198 avg, 3 hr, 11 rbi, 4 sb

J.J. Hardy – SS – Milwaukee Brewers -  371 ab, .245 avg, 11 hr, 45 rbi, 0 sb

(Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves)

The body of a 22 year old Mexican national was found on Chipper Jones‘ Double Dime ranch in southwestern Texas this past Thursday.  Authorities believe the man entered the country illegally and could not handle the heat and drought conditions.  The ranch is 10,000 acres and takes its name from the fact that Jones and his father both have worn the number 10.

Interestingly, it has been called a ”hunter’s paradise,” with wildlife and a lodge for hunters, in addition to shooting ranges and stocked lakes.

Hell, if I had been hunting the same old boring deer for years, I would probably want to step it up a notch too.  How better to do that than to take a lone, frightened human being and have him run it out for his life?  Oops… where was I?

Anyways, I’m just surprised good ol’ Larry could afford 10,000 acres.  I thought he spent all of his money at Hooters.

Get out the Stella Artois and Oreos, because I’m camped out in front of the television watching the heated Red Sox-Yankees rivalry all weekend…. not.  This is a mass conspiracy orchestrated by Fox and ESPN in order to convince us that this rivalry is the most important thing in sports… like the rest of America doesn’t even exist.  The next weekend I am force-fed a weekend of Yankees-Red Sox baseball, I’m going to the zoo to punch a baby seal in the face.  Don’t tempt me.

Call me what you will, but I could watch Don Zimmer get thrown to the ground for 5 straight hours and the smile would never leave my face.  I mean, what a senile retard.  What did his old ass think he was actually going to do to Pedro Martinez?

Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre was placed on the 15-day DL with an injured testicle after a ground ball took a bad hop last Wednesday night. There was some tearing and internal bleeding as Beltre doesn’t wear a cup.  Beltre came off the DL at the beginning of August following shoulder surgery.

I just can’t believe he would play third base without a cup!  The ball (meaning baseball) gets scalded to third.  While I’m not a dude, I think I did what a lot of other dudes did when hearing this news, by answering with a resounding, “WHAT?!?!?!”  I mean, geez, hypothetically speaking of course, if I didn’t need a cup because of all the steroids I had done in the past, I think I would still pretend I needed one just for appearance’s sake.  I would probably say, “Yeah, I totally need one because my balls are soooo huge,” or something to that effect.

Of course, the argument again is one of a comfortability issue.  Apparently Mark Ellis and Placido Polanco have admitted they don’t wear a protective cup either.  But come on, shouldn’t all you sissy baseball players be used to it by now?!?!?  I mean, bras are definitely irritating sometimes, but you don’t see me running around the neighborhood just flopping around now, do you??? DO YOU?!??!

I laughed my ass off this weekend when I heard the first story about how he hurt his eye, a drop of pee came out when I heard the second and now I’m simply dumbfounded.  Varied reports have been surfacing throughout the weekend as to how this moron actually injured himself just prior to his first rehab start following hip surgery.

At first, Myers claimed he suffered the swollen eye while playing catch with his son.  Then, he ”admitted” he suffered the injury falling on his face as he got out of his truck early Saturday morning.  Now, another equally embarrassing story has emerged:

Myers and his wife Kim were involved in a verbal altercation with other patrons at a Jacksonville pub/restaurant late Friday night, according to four eye-witnesses and the St. John’s County Sheriff’s Department, but no punches were thrown and Myers did not appear to have been struck in the eye when deputies responded to the establishment.

Six eye-witnesses interviewed by the Daily News said that they saw Myers, his wife, and a small group of friends drinking at Shannon’s Irish Pub Friday night in St. John’s County, south of the immediate downtown area. It started as a normal Friday night, with Myers and his friends sitting at the bar listening to a folk/pop band play on stage. One fellow bar patron not associated with Myers’ group said he briefly exchanged pleasantries with the righthander outside the bathroom sometime before 11 p.m.

Apparently sometime after 12:30 AM, there was a scuffle near the stage where the band was playing, and Myers was not involved. After that situation settled down, however, a second altercation occurred that involved Myers’ wife. Somebody in the band then called the police because their equipment had been damaged, and according to the sheriff’s deputy on the scene, “inappropriate comments” were directed at Kim Myers.

That’s when Brett got involved, though the same sheriff’s deputy said there was no evidence that Myers had been struck.

“Nobody alleged that he hit (anyone); nobody alleged that he was hitting,” the spokesman said. “Obviously there was a lot of alcohol involved, but how much and on whose part we do not know.”

Myers maintains that he only had about three beers, which a member of the wait staff at the bar confirmed, but also said they weren’t sure what he may have ordered from anyone else involved.  (mlb.fanhouse.com)

Drama!!!  Having a Masters of Arts in Drunken Belligerency, I have to say that the latter story sounds the most plausible.  OR, perhaps it’s a combination of the stories.  I’m thinking Brett Myers and his “bad ass” wife got tanked and involved in an altercation where, as stated above, Mr. Myers was not injured.  His hillbilly ass wakes up the next morning, still drunk from the night before and then falls out of his truck like a bunch of circus folk getting out of a clown car.  Then, like the goofy-eyebrowed prick he is, blames the whole thing on his kid.  God, I hate being right all the time!

Three things on this hilarious scandal:

1.  Rick Pitino must not like his career OR his family very much if he was willing to risk it all over this old bag.  Did she throw out her back? I sure hope she chewed a Bayer so that her heart didn’t go out on her. Man, I can only imagine how sexy the situation must’ve been when her legs where sticking up in the air and he could look down and see all those spider veins.   HOT!

2.  I don’t actually think this broad could get pregnant.  I think the “big change” she had about 10 years prior would preclude that.

3.  Look at her face and then look at her neck and try not to throw up in your mouth.

Above, Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez share a tender, private moment on what appears to be the grass of Yankee Stadium.  Kate Hudson used to complain about needing her privacy, but then Fool’s Gold happened.  Bitch hasn’t done a good movie since 2000, so now she needs all the attention she can get.

Please take a gander at A-Rod’s face.  He’s definitely making sure Derek Jeter doesn’t walk out of the clubhouse and see this charade.  Someone’s going to be sleeping on the couch tonight!

The 2009 NFL and Fantasy Football seasons are right around the corner, so The Baseball Chick is here with some position battles to keep an eye on this preseason:

1.  Chiefs No. 1 Running Back – Larry Johnson vs. Jamaal Charles

Coach Todd Haley has opened the Chiefs’ tailback job to competition, refusing to name a starter to open camp.  Even practice-squad back Jackie Battle is getting run with the first team.  Battle isn’t under serious consideration, but Charles is a threat to L.J. because of his receiving skills.  Haley often used a pass-heavy spread attack while coordinating in Arizona, and Charles played in a spread at the University of Texas.  If Johnson’s power and speed have returned as Haley has suggested, however, Kansas City will employ plenty of power running formations.  This is L.J.’s job to lose.

2. Cardinals No. 1 Running Back – Tim Hightower vs. Chris Wells

This battle is already beginning to take shape.  Wells is out with an ankle sprain and will likely miss the Arizona Cardinals’ exhibition opener.  Nagging, minor injuries are nothing new for the first-round pick from Ohio State, and Beanie needed these practices to convince coach Ken Whisenhunt that he could hold up as a feature back.  It’s still early and Wells’ remarkable talent (4.4 speed at 6′1/230) should take over eventually, but Hightower is the best bet to start Week 1 at this point.

3. Vikings No. 2 Wide Receiver – Sidney Rice vs. Percy Harvin vs. Bobby Wade

This is really a Rice-Harvin race.  Wade is a reliable slot guy and special teamer, but an exorbitant $2.95 million salary (and questionable mental toughness) could quietly have Mr. Excitement on the roster bubble, even after Aundrae Allison’s release.  A borderline dominant red-zone threat when healthy, Rice looks to be over his 2008 knee troubles but has been up and down early in camp.  Meanwhile, Harvin is the talk of Mankato.  Even if Rice wins the “starting” job, Harvin will be a better bet for receptions.

4. Raiders No. 1 Running Back – Justin Fargas vs. Darren McFadden

Michael Bush is involved here, but will likely end up as the No. 2 back by season’s end no matter who wins the first-team job.  Fargas is the incumbent and seeing most of the reps with Oakland’s starters early.  The staff likes his banging style and blitz-pickup skills, but McFadden is the back to own in fantasy.  If he overtakes Fargas by late August, he’ll be an even better bet for touches.

5. Buccaneers No. 1 Running Back – Earnest Graham vs. Derrick Ward

The Bucs say this will be an even rotation, but Graham and Ward’s skill sets are similar, so it isn’t like one would be an ideal “change of pace” for the other.  Tampa Bay may just wind up riding the hot hand, meaning preseason play will be key.  Ward has more experience running behind zone blocks, which the Giants often used when he was subbing for Brandon Jacobs over the last two seasons, and new Bucs coordinator Jeff Jagodzinski is installing a full-blown zone system.  Graham is the first-team back right now, but my bet is on Ward finishing 2009 with more touches.

6. Broncos No. 1 Running Back – Knowshon Moreno vs. Correll Buckhalter vs. LaMont Jordan

Longer shots Ryan Torain and fullback Peyton Hillis have been sharp early in camp, but it probably won’t be enough once Moreno gets familiar with the offense.  Buckhalter, who is 31 and was injury prone earlier in his career, has been in and out of practice with minor injuries.  That’s led to a lot of first-team work for Jordan.  Coach Josh McDaniels isn’t afraid to use a heavy committee, so Moreno needs to learn quickly to be an early-season fantasy asset.  Fantasy players may want to try and avoid this mess altogether.

 7. Giants No. 1 Wide Receiver – Steve Smith vs. Domenick Hixon vs. Hakeem Nicks

Smith may never be a “No. 1″ because he doesn’t play big enough to be a high-scoring red-zone weapon or fast enough down the field to be a true deep threat, but he is the Giants’ lone receiver assured of a starting role.  With Mario Manningham and speedy underneath guy Sinorice Moss also competing, New York has the guns to go receiver-by-committee.  Nicks will really have to come on and bypass Hixon this preseason to be an every-down player in his first year.

8. Ravens No. 1 Running Back – Willis McGahee vs. Ray Rice vs. LeRon McClain

This one looks pretty clear already.  McGahee underwent two leg surgeries this spring and Rice has gotten all the first-team carries since OTAs.  The Baltimore Ravens appear to be headed away from last year’s matchup-based three-headed monster, giving Rice a shot to emerge as a true featured carrier.  Cam Cameron says McClain is the favorite for goal-line work, but that could change if reports of Rice’s improved lower-body strength translate to short-yardage drills.

9. Vikings No. 1 Quarterback – Sage Rosenfels vs. Tarvaris Jackson

With Brett Favre out of the picture for now, Jackson and Rosenfels entered training camp on equal footing.  That changed quickly when Jackson sprained his MCL and missed four days of practice.  Four days (eight practices) might not seem like a whole lot, but showing durability was essential in Jackson’s case.  He suffered a sprained MCL last season as well has battled multiple injuries as a pro.

10. 49ers No. 1 Wide Receiver – Isaac Bruce vs. Josh Morgan vs. Michael Crabtree

Crabtree’s agents aren’t messing around and his holdout appears capable of lasting deep into the preseason or perhaps even on into Week 1.  Morgan can play all three positions (flanker, split end, slot), but the San Francisco 49ers prefer him at split end where he can run deeper routes on the weak side of the field.  Bruce has been a flanker his entire career.  It’s probably going to be Morgan and Bruce lining up with the Niners’ first team on opening day.