The Baseball Chick

Who shit in this guy’s cereal? Earlier this month, it has been reported that the Mets’ VP of Player Development, Tony Bernazard, challenged players on the Double-A affiliate to a fight during a postgame tirade. This story writes itself:

“The New York Daily News, citing unidentified sources, reported Wednesday that Bernazard, while visiting the Binghamton Mets early this month, removed his shirt during a clubhouse meeting with players, then challenged them to fisticuffs. Bernazard reportedly directed much of his anger at infielder Jose Coronado, the newspaper said.” (NBC Sports)

Both the Mets’ AAA and AA affiliates are pretty awful this season, having the worst and second worst records in their Leagues, respectfully, so this guy is obviously worried about losing more than his cool. It is pretty clear that the Mets lack a deep farm system.

All I know is that I wish Tony was my boyfriend. I love it when guys take off their shirts before they fight. It reminds me of hanging out at the frat houses on a Thursday night. Ahhh… When I picture it, in my dreams tonight, he will have chest hair up to his throat and 3 gold chains. Dreamy…

Crack open an icy cold Budweiser Cardinals Nation, because Chris Duncan is no longer a member of the St. Louis Cardinals.  The wackiest part is…they actually got a real life baseball player for him.  Not a good one or anything (Julio Lugo), but a living, breathing human.  I would have traded him for a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

“… he hasn’t scored a hit in nine straight games and is now batting just .227/.329/.358 with five dingers and 32 RBI in 260 at-bats. He has also struck out 67 times this year and brings absolutely nothing to the table defensively.” (RotoWorld)

When asked about the trade, Chris Duncan was quoted as saying, “Fire…BAD!”

Wow, I don’t know who lied to this guy and told him he was good.  Whoever it was should be taken out back and put down like Old Yeller.  Snell is showing some major ‘tude and has made it clear that he does not want to play for the Pirates anymore. 

“Ian spoke publicly about not wanting to come back and it’s tough to bring a player back into a clubhouse with 24 other players when he’s been strongly adamant he doesn’t want to come back,” Pirates general manager Neal Huntington said Sunday.

After going 2-8 with a 5.36 ERA in 15 starts for the Pirates, the right-handed Snell told the team he was weary of pitching amid criticism in Pittsburgh and would welcome a demotion. Snell has been dominant in Triple-A, striking out 13 consecutive batters and 17 overall in seven innings during his first start, but has not lobbied to rejoin the Pirates. (The Vindicator)

Too bad the Pirates have let everyone know that the feeling is mutual.  They apparently have no intention of recalling him in the near future.

“Waaaa!!!  I’m a crappy pitcher on an even crappier team with management that has every intention of keeping us as crappy as possible!!! ” Wait…did I actually feel bad for him for a second?  Basically, Ian Snell has reeked this entire season and should really focus on salvaging his prematurely dying career before it’s too late, instead of crying about his crummy bosses.  Snell was decent in 2007, but the rest of his career has been mediocre at best. However, GM Neal Huntington is either trying to destroy the last embers of dying hope for the last remaining Pirate fan or is near-retarded, and will definitely screw up dealing him.

Okay, I didn’t actually watch the video, but I can tell you unequivocally that no chicks blow dry their hair naked.  First off, the heat from the blow dryer is hot and uncomfortable on the skin.  Also, it just doesn’t happen.  I know chicks, I am a chick…we just don’t do it.  It’s apparent that she and her publicist(?), manager(?) or whoever set this up, have seen one too many of those male coming of age rated R movies.  Ya know, the ones where girls hang around their dorm room or the sorority house in their underwear, or perhaps no underwear at all?  The same situations I’ve had to convince my chauffeur to believe don’t really exist?  It’s the same imaginary land where girls call their underwear “panties”.  We don’t.

It’s obvious Ms. Andrews is tired of the world of sideline reporting.  After all, she just got hit in the face with a foul ball a week or so ago.  Bored with the game sweetheart?  This should segway wonderfully into a stint on Dancing With The Stars.  Well done.

By the way, maybe you should tan your chest before you let the entire thing hang out on the red carpet.  Way to get a dress that fits…

After losing Brandon Webb at the start of the season, the Diamondbacks were already off to a rough start.  This was no fault of their own.  However, they have proceeded to turn this somewhat promising, young franchise into a group of bumbling stooges. 

To blame is Diamondbacks management, who wrongly turned to a mediocre former catcher with no managerial experience and assumingly expected him to foster discipline and fundamentals in this group of knuckleheads.  A.J. Hinch lacks any credibility as a manager and loses more everyday due to his team’s poor showing day-in and day-out.  Their performance often resembles a little league team, and not a good one at that.  NOW, a disappointing start has turned into pure embarrassment.

Mark Reynolds, although hitting well, has 10 errors at third base ALONE.  Justin Upton has 7.  The team as a total has 80 (that’s second only to those wonderful Nationals).  When I’m feeling down and I need a good laugh, I turn on the DBacks because I know that something hilarious is going to happen when they take the field.  Hell, tomorrow maybe Chris Young’s pants will fall down when he starts running in for a pop up.  Then, Mark Reynolds might let the ball go between his legs, piss his pants and then cry.  Or cry and then piss his pants.

After apparently not getting the call to appear in the revamped Melrose Place, a clearly bored-off-her-ass Alyssa Milano has “designed” a line of clothing for those ladies who felt their fan-hood was getting in the way of their skank-ness.  She held a fashion show this week in St. Louis as part of the All Star Game festivities.

“Out of what she called “necessity,” Milano teamed with G-III and MLB to create her own signature “touch” line of team-logo fashion for the female fan. The clothing has just arrived at the MLB.com Shop, and not a moment too soon for the countless women who have been asking her about it already this season.” (MLB.com)

Just because I’m such an investigative reporter, I went to her site and it’s all the same friggin’ satin jacket modeled by, you guessed it, Alyssa Milano.  Great.  Please don’t go buy this shit, that way maybe she’ll run out of money and start doing softcore porn to get attention.  Ya know, the way all washed up Hollywood has-beens should.

Granderson Makes It An Easy Triple

The game got off to a shaky start with Tim Lincecum giving up a broken bat single to Ichiro, then hitting Jeter on the hand with the next at-bat.  Albert Pujols showed that maybe the pressure was getting to him when he failed to cleanly field the ground ball hit by his counterpart, Mark Teixeira.

At this point I realized my excitement was quickly fading.  The sadness of this realization caused me to eat an equally depressing amount of Baskin Robbins ice cream cake at about 6:30 Pacific Time.

However, Yadier Molina came through with an RBI single in the 2nd.  Prince Fielder gave the NL a temporary lead with an RBI double, also occurring in the 2nd.

The rest of the game showcased the great arms of the American League, with AL pitchers retiring 18 consecutive batters.  In the 7th, Carl Crawford pulled a Brad Hawpe homerun back into the park while the score was tied.  Adam Jones drove in Curtis Granderson in the 8th, following Granderson’s triple. 

This pretty much deflated the dwindling hopes of NL fans such as myself.  The cherry on top was Fox cutting to Bud Selig in the 9th, wherein I began flipping off my television and yelling really inappropriate shit about wishing he would get cancer.  My dog, Albert Pujols, started to shake uncontrollably.  Man, I hate Bud Selig…