The Baseball Chick

Former major-leaguer Jose Offerman has been banned for life from the Dominican Winter Baseball League after attempting to punch an umpire.

Offerman, the interim manager of the Licey Tigers, tried to make contact with umpire Daniel Reyburn’s face Saturday during an argument regarding the ejection of Tigers catcher Ronny Paulino. Reyburn fell back dramatically and Offerman was escorted away.

Citing fears for their safety, the umpiring crew has since resigned and left the country due to the receipt of several threats from fans following the game.

This isn’t the first time Offerman’s panties have gotten in a bunch since his career has crapped out.  In 2007, while playing for the Long Island Ducks against the Bridgeport Bluefish, Offerman charged the mound after being hit by pitcher Matt Beech. Offerman struck Bridgeport catcher Joe Nathans and Beech.  Nathans subsequently sued Offerman for $4.8 million, claiming he sustained career-ending injuries. Offerman also was forced to attend anger management classes and was banned from the Atlantic League.

During his 15-year Major League career, Offerman played for the Dodgers, Royals, Red Sox, Mariners, Twins, Phillies and Mets, where I am certain he was a super-classy guy.  He hit .273 and was named to two All-Star teams.

The italic usage for the word attempting is intentional here.  While I’m not condoning his actions, this is such a pathetic, dainty, sorry excuse for a punch!  JWoww on Jersey Shore punches exactly 5000% better than this, even after downing 10 shots and having 3 dicks shoved up her ass in one night.  Is he so angry at the world because God blessed him with such a high-school-cheerleader-chick punch?  Who told this asshole he could fight?  The umpire trips for crying out loud!  In conclusion, $5 says I can kick Jose Offerman’s ass.

Since Mark McGwire is coming back to baseball this year as the new hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, it is clear he wanted to get something of his voluptuous steroid-induced man-tittays.

According to Mr. McGwire’s own admission, he used steroids on and off throughout the 90s, including during his record-breaking home run season.  I haven’t been this shocked since I found out Freddie Mercury was gay.

“It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize,” McGwire said in a statement released through the Cardinals. “I wish I had never touched steroids. It was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroids era.”

Of course this will be of minor benefit to the St. Louis Cardinals, as McGwire’s continued silence would have made it difficult for him to work productively with Holliday and the other Cardinals hitters without heavy skepticism.

McGwire somewhat defended himself by stating that his usage came with the desire to recover quickly from injuries and not as a means of cheating.  That’s crazy, because I could have sworn he did all those ‘roids because he hated having testicles.  I know I would.

It is rumored that Curtis Granderson is on his way to the Yankees in a three-team deal that would also involve pitchers Edwin Jackson and Ian Kennedy going to Arizona.  In return, exciting young pitchers Daniel Schlereth and Max Scherzer would be sent to the Tigers.  What all this means for Johnny Damon’s and Melky Cabrera’s days in New York is still an open question.

My first impression is that this deal is a big “thumbs up” for both the Yankees and the Tigers.  However, I think I would even have a hard time dealing Jackson and Kennedy for Scherzer and Schlereth in my fantasy league this upcoming season.  I mean, Jackson did well last season, but I got him nearly at the end of my draft when some other morons were trying to choose between J.R. Towles and Josh Bard.  Get it?  Total fluke.

BREAKING NEWS:  According to thedirty.com, which I find to have very reliable news, oftentimes before anyone else picks up on it, Elin Nordegren Woods tried to beat the living jesus out of her husband, Tiger Woods, because he knocked up one of his many mistresses!!!  Not only was is Tiger unbelievably indiscreet, but he also must have an allergy to latex.  And besides these chicks looking unbelievably whorish, they must also be too brain dead to take a stupid pill.

Well, I hope he has syphilis.

(Rachel Uchitel, Whore Deluxe)

Yes, the body is fairly bangin’, but let’s please take a gander at the cosmetic-surgery fiasco that is this “lady’s” face.  She even comes complete with the post-eye lift wonky eye, a la Paris Hilton!  I’m putting “lady” in quotes here simply because there is the distinct and not-too-subtle hint of drag queen in this “chick’s” face.  To anyone that thinks otherwise, I have some good news for you: you may be a dude that’s had sex with another dude and not known it.  More than once.

To be fair, the “chick” in question, Rachel Uchitel, is denying the affair, as well as the rumors of texting, etc.  But this is also the same chick that has recently been accused of having an affair with a married David Boreanaz (lead dude from Bones and Angel) while his wife was pregnant.  So either this chick is name-dropping something fierce in order to become famous not caring whose lives she ruins in the process or she is really into bangin’ married celebrities.  Neither scenario makes her anything more than an overpriced dolled-up prostitute.

Makes me yearn for the days when we took skanks like this, accused them of practicing witchcraft and then burned them alive (also known as “The Good Ol’ Days”).

(Cole Hamels, Douche Extraordinaire)

Following the Phillies’ victory on Monday night to extend the series to Game 6, Brett Myers had some choice words for Cole Hamels in the aftermath of his recent wimpy, diva-like statement concerning his exhaustion and eagerness for the end of the season.  The quick version is that Hamels whined, after failing yet again in Game 3, “I can’t wait for it to end.  It’s been mentally draining.  At year end, you just can’t wait for a fresh start.”

I could see a statement like that coming from a walking catastrophe like Jose Contreras, or from someone whose team failed miserably this year, like the Chicago Cubs, but for fuck’s sake, your team is in the World Series!  AGAIN!!!  FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW!!!

So apparently while in the clubhouse, Myers walked past Hamels’ locker and said, “What are you doing here? I thought you quit.”  Hamels is said to have responded with an expletive, the nature of which I am not aware.  Before things got to fisticuffs, with Hamels trying to make open-hand contact with Myers’ cheek and Myers yanking on Hamels’ bowl-cut, Myers was led away by a team official.

The word is that Hamels’ comments didn’t sit well with many a Phillies teammate, but I guess Myers was the only one with the balls enough to say anything about it.  Hamels tried to explain away the comments by reiterating his “love of the game” and “love [for] for city of Philadelphia,” but it seems clear to me that Hamels is just another prima donna who will take his over-sized paycheck and obscenely long off-season to go sail his humongous yacht around the world while taking baths in beluga semen, or whatever it is rich assholes do with their free time.

Even though he was the World Series and NLCS MVP last year, I think all fans can take solace in the fact that Cole Hamels is only getting more and more average over time.