The Baseball Chick

Spring Training has begun and we are well on our way to another Fantasy Baseball season.  But don’t be a jackass, everyone knows who the big prospects are for this year.  So before you walk into your draft this year with this big secret smile on your face thinking that you have this genius information that no one else in the league could even fathom having, chug on some icy cold reality.  And for the turds that don’t know, below is mlb.com’s rankings of the Top 50 Prospects for 2010:

Camilo Villegas lining up his putt.  Could this guy be any more sexual?  He’s humping the green for crying out loud!

Get that ball in the hole you bad, bad boy…

(Eric Gagne - Isn't ache a sign of steroid use?)

Beginning his attempt at returning to the majors, former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne responded to questions about performance-enhancing drugs by saying “There are a lot of regrets.”

He also told reporters, “I’ve said it 150 times, it’s always going to be on my resume for the rest of my life. People will second-guess everything I do and if I have a good year they’ll all second guess. That’s normal. I’m not expecting anything else. But for me it’s over. I have to go on. I can talk about it every day. It doesn’t matter. I still have to go out and pitch and perform.”

But in a later interview with the Los Angeles Times published this past Saturday, Gagne became a little less obtuse in his admissions when asked about his alleged use of HGH:

“I did,” [Gagne] says. “I hate to talk about it. It just doesn’t do anyone any good. But I thought it would help me get better when I hurt my knee. I just don’t want that to sound as an excuse.

“I’m so ashamed. It wasn’t smart. If I knew what I know now … I didn’t need it. I regret it so much, just now maybe getting over the guilt. It was stupid.”

The once imposing and feared closer signed a minor league deal with the Dodgers, guaranteeing him a relatively meager $500,000 if he makes the Opening Day roster.

I hate to toot my own horn, but I was preaching this news to all the people creaming their leopard print thongs in Los Angeles over Eric Gagne years before his name ever showed up in the Mitchell Report.  Now, this news is pretty much a “duh” situation, but I always like to make formal announcement of how right I consistently am.

(The McCourts during happier times)

This broad is out of control:

Jamie McCourt wants nearly $1 million per month in temporary support from her estranged husband, an amount disclosed in a court filing in which her lawyers allege Frank McCourt has engaged in a “carefully calculated subterfuge designed to mislead the court” about his financial resources.The revised request — for $988,845 per month — reflects property-tax bills as well as additional records that her lawyers claim can show the couple averaged $2.3 million per month in salaries, distributions and perks starting in 2004, when the McCourts bought the [MLB's Los Angeles] Dodgers.  (LA Times)

Hey, if you wanted to rock the lifestyle, maybe you shouldn’t have started banging your $20 an hour bodyguard.  She is clearly a bad businesswoman.

Former major-leaguer Jose Offerman has been banned for life from the Dominican Winter Baseball League after attempting to punch an umpire.

Offerman, the interim manager of the Licey Tigers, tried to make contact with umpire Daniel Reyburn’s face Saturday during an argument regarding the ejection of Tigers catcher Ronny Paulino. Reyburn fell back dramatically and Offerman was escorted away.

Citing fears for their safety, the umpiring crew has since resigned and left the country due to the receipt of several threats from fans following the game.

This isn’t the first time Offerman’s panties have gotten in a bunch since his career has crapped out.  In 2007, while playing for the Long Island Ducks against the Bridgeport Bluefish, Offerman charged the mound after being hit by pitcher Matt Beech. Offerman struck Bridgeport catcher Joe Nathans and Beech.  Nathans subsequently sued Offerman for $4.8 million, claiming he sustained career-ending injuries. Offerman also was forced to attend anger management classes and was banned from the Atlantic League.

During his 15-year Major League career, Offerman played for the Dodgers, Royals, Red Sox, Mariners, Twins, Phillies and Mets, where I am certain he was a super-classy guy.  He hit .273 and was named to two All-Star teams.

The italic usage for the word attempting is intentional here.  While I’m not condoning his actions, this is such a pathetic, dainty, sorry excuse for a punch!  JWoww on Jersey Shore punches exactly 5000% better than this, even after downing 10 shots and having 3 dicks shoved up her ass in one night.  Is he so angry at the world because God blessed him with such a high-school-cheerleader-chick punch?  Who told this asshole he could fight?  The umpire trips for crying out loud!  In conclusion, $5 says I can kick Jose Offerman’s ass.

Since Mark McGwire is coming back to baseball this year as the new hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, it is clear he wanted to get something of his voluptuous steroid-induced man-tittays.

According to Mr. McGwire’s own admission, he used steroids on and off throughout the 90s, including during his record-breaking home run season.  I haven’t been this shocked since I found out Freddie Mercury was gay.

“It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize,” McGwire said in a statement released through the Cardinals. “I wish I had never touched steroids. It was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroids era.”

Of course this will be of minor benefit to the St. Louis Cardinals, as McGwire’s continued silence would have made it difficult for him to work productively with Holliday and the other Cardinals hitters without heavy skepticism.

McGwire somewhat defended himself by stating that his usage came with the desire to recover quickly from injuries and not as a means of cheating.  That’s crazy, because I could have sworn he did all those ‘roids because he hated having testicles.  I know I would.